ashes2rubies

Letter to my daughter (in the wake of senseless tragedy)

2010-10-07T12:33:00.000-07:00

I saw this on facebook and it really grabbed my attention. I recently saw To Save A Life with my son. If you haven't watched it, you should. My son, 13 at the time, was deeply moved. I know this because of his reaction to a ccertain situation a couple of months later.

Letter to my daughter ( in the wake of senseless t...: "Hello my girl, I wanted to say hi and tell you how much I miss you and that I hope your classes are going well and that you are having fun ..."

test. this is only a test

2010-07-30T14:09:00.000-07:00

I have a new cell phone. the fancy kind. a smartphone. testing my new Blogger app. the photo is my crazy hubby.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.4.8

1 persn dies every 3 hours on Canada's roads

2010-05-09T20:06:00.000-07:00

Last month tragic news caused me to do a google search of 'fatal crash ottawa' which brought me to this site which lists as many crashes on Canada's roads as they can find. Unbelieveable. Blew my mind. And we thought H1N1 was an epidemic?!!!! Almost 600 people have died in car crashes in Canada since Jan 1, 2010. Why do we not hear more about this? Why is there not more education?

Did you know that 1 person dies every 3 hours on Canada's roads?

2010 National Day of Remembrance for Road Crash Victims from ccmta_ndr on Vimeo.

Hope

2010-05-02T17:12:00.000-07:00

I have been praying that God will lead me down a path to healing. All my life I have suffered from eczema and allergies. The itchy, rashy skin has been so bad at times that I wouldn't leave my home.

For so long I just thought it was my lot in life to suffer in silence. But the past 6 months I have been praying a lot more seriously that God would point me in the direction of healing. That He would show me what I need to do to end the suffering. I came to believe that He couldn't want this for me forever.

So when my mom, who was diagnosed with celiac disease a few years ago, suggested I get tested - and offered to pay for the test - I agreed. This was a stool test, done in the US and it came back positive.

I began eliminating gluten from my diet two weeks ago (April 17). My body reacted by beginning a menstrual cycle 6 days early. Oh joy, but at least it gave me hope that I was actually changing something in my system.

I have hope that maybe one day I won't need to spend the hundreds of dollars a month just trying to smother symptoms. I pray that one day I won't feel like crawling out of my skin. That one day I will feel at peace in my own body.

MP Carolyn Bennett tells stay-at-home moms to "Get a real job"

2010-03-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

OK, so I have not blogged in quite a while, but I have written two letters to Members of Parliaments in one week! One to my own, the second to Liberal MP Carolyn Bennett who said in a recent interview to the Hill times that "Women of Canada want to hear about early learning and child care; that is the key to their economic independence, to be able to get back to school, to get a real job, to be able to go to work."

I'm sure I don't have many blogger friends left, but I would really LOVE for the Canadian blogger moms to get wind of this!

What do you think mommies? Are you all waiting to hear some fabulous announcement from the federal government which will finally free you from the constraints of home-life and permit you to "get a real job"?!!

ARGH!!!!

See my letter to Ms Bennett below (cc'd to my own MP and the PM)
If you send one to her also, be sure to include your address.

********************************
To: bennec@parl.gc.ca
Cc: pm@pm.gc.ca
Sent: Fri, March 26, 2010 3:18:36 PM
Subject: You do not speak for all women of Canada

Dear Ms. Bennett,

As a 'woman of Canada' I write to respectfully disagree with your recent statement to the Hill Times that:
"Women of Canada want to hear about early learning and child care; that is the key to their economic independence, to be able to get back to school, to get a real job, to be able to go to work."

My husband works for a local non-profit organization. He supervises almost forty men in four 2nd-stage addiction homes in Ottawa. This work is demanding and it is rewarding in every way EXCEPT financially. He GROSSED $26,000 last year, but he would never go back to working the type of high-paying, unrewarding jobs he worked before. (and I would not want him to!)

I returned to work only 15 days after our son was born in order to make ends meet. I regret that decision every day. I now have a very satisfying career. There is much room for advancement, but I have turned-down offers of higher-paying positions and have even requested reduced pay for reduced work-hours in order to have more time with my family.

My feeling of fulfillment does not come from my job. It comes from the time I get to spend with my family. Our son turns 14 this summer and I am so very aware that next year, grade 9, my son will begin to strive for his independence. I am so aware that the time to raise my own son is almost over and that this job has mainly been done by others.

I have many, many friends here in Ottawa who have made the choice to stay at home with their children while they are young. These are intelligent women; some with university degrees and/or promising careers.

From my experience, economic independence is not every Canadian woman's #1 priority; quality home life is.

The women of Canada want the choice to raise their children. The mothers of Canada want a government that does not discriminate against them.

I thank you for hearing my voice. I understand your office is quite busy, no response to this email is needed.

Sincerely,

Vikki

rebuilding

2009-10-09T15:09:00.000-07:00

When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.
Barbara Bloom

God has been good to me, to us, to our family. There has been heartache. There have been many strugles. There has been hurt and pain.

But He is filling in the cracks with gold. He is rebuilding us from ashes.

I know in 10 years I will laugh with my husband at the struggles we once had.

I look forward to those days.

perspective

2009-10-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

Perspective means a lot. Does who we are define our perspective on life? Can our lives change when we change our perspective?

I heard a couple my age (young-ish) respond to the question "do you have children"? In their response I suspected they would have loved to have had children but perhaps were unable. Yet I heard no sorrow, no bitterness and saw no glimpse of trouble on their faces.

"That's a story in itself" one of them said. Peacefully, with a smile. "But we have children living with us".

That is the place I need to get to. My past is the past. It will not change. There are many things I regret. Things that make me sad. Anguish that rips through my heart. Places that churn my insides with memory. Some days I feel it rise up like a volcano inside me.

There is only One who can put the pieces back together.

Will I let Him?

praying for a breakthrough

2009-10-06T17:18:00.000-07:00

I'm really struggling ..it's been a while (like forever) and I'm tired of struggling and I'm trying to put together this plan to get out of this rut I'm in. Only I don't know how to write a plan and my husband is so so so frustrating. I know I need to listen to him cause he's right. I have all these issues I need to deal with. Physical stuff (excema, nail biting, picking, fidgeting, itching) and mental stuff (tired, irritable and intolerant) and I know it's all wrapped up in the spiritual

So I'm going to start with this. And would you check in with me?

I'm going to grab my bible and put on some worship music and lay on the ground and read and pray....and keep crying. And I'm praying I will just keep crying out to God til I have a breakthrough cause I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

So, i know you are busy but would you check in on me in a couple days, a week, whatever? Ask me what I'm doing to get through this roadblock that's been holding me back.

if I ever finish this stupid plan I'll be able to answer you. Arg

PS. I chickened out. I didn't move. I can't move. I missed my archives, my boxes, my stuff. I'm a blog hoarder (seen that new A&E show HOARDERS ?)

2009-10-06T17:15:00.000-07:00

I dont feel at home here....quick, go back go back to vikkiruby.blogspot.com

I'VE MOVED!!

2009-10-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

If you are reading this...THANK YOU. Thank you for checking back in with me. I appreciate all three of my readers lol

Something was holding me back from posting and I think it was the sensitive nature of some of the things I want to talk about, and the complete lack of any sort of privacy here.

So I have a new home at ashes2rubies.blogspot.com

God is doing something in me and I'm excited to have the freedom to write it out without any concern.

Not sure when or if I will disable or hide this one. We shall see.

why hello there

2009-10-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

This feels right. This feels good. I think I can do this.

I've missed writing, blogging, sharing. Something was holding me back and I didn't know what but I suspected it was the sensitive nature of some of the stuff I feel I need to talk about - and the complete lack of any sort of privacy on my old blog.

So welcome. Welcome to my new home. HUGE thanks to my dear friend Yvonne for my new look. I love the simplicity and the significance of the name is something I will share soon.

And I plan to share lots of other things with you too.

2009-06-28T18:16:00.000-07:00

this is the 500th time I've sat in front of my blog page, thinking I should blog and not blogging.

I'm not really quite sure why, just don't feel like writing :P

Adding Zest to your Nest

2009-06-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

Adding Zest to your Nest

2009-06-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

I am interested to read what these every day ladies have to say about that hush hush topic of ....sexual intimacy in the marriage.

Starting a movement

2009-06-04T07:17:00.000-07:00

I loved this post by Raggamuffin Soul "7 Keys to Starting a Movement"

It can be really discouraging trying to start something; being in a group of people, excited about something, wanting others to get involved and they just aren't into it.

But you know, God is really big. If we're serving Him, He is faithful and He'll bring along that 2nd guy who wants to dance like a maniac with us...and the 3rd and the 4th...it's all up to Him.

So really, I guess all that matters is that I keep doing what I beleive God wants me to do. I feel kinda bad if I'm irritated the people around me with my enthusiasm to try and get them into what I'm doing. But perseverence and patient is rewarded.

And I'll just keep praying for God to bring more women to our fellowship!!!!

SEX

2009-05-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

now that I have your attention, may I draw your attention to this exciting new series Under the Covers at Moms, Ministry and More.

Heidi is so brave and I for one am very grateful to her for tackling this scary subject!

I've been tagged

2009-05-15T07:37:00.000-07:00

Theresa at Seeking Peace and Pursuing It! has tagge dme in a fun meme. I haven't been blogging much lately so I'm honoured that she still thinks of me.

Six Unimportant Favorite Things

I guess they could also be referred to as guilty pleasures and I think I have more than six, but here goes:

1. Flip Flops...I cannot (and do not) wait until the snow melts to wear my flip flops. I love love love not wearing socks and covered-toe shoes! I own many pairs of inexpensive flops. My husband gives me a hard time when I get a new pair, but they are soooooo cheap, really, what's the big deal?!!!

2. Pedicures...very necessary when you wear flops every day. I adore having my feet touched, scrubbed, massaged, creamed, toes painted. I have goosebumps just thinking about it. Wise hubby bought me a fantastic foot spa. I can't wait to pull it out this weekend!!!

3. Exclamation points...apparently I love exclamation points (see above). In fact, I was once reprimanded in an annual work review for using so many exclamation points in my emails to clients. I use them in real life speech quite a bit also :)

4. Flowers...I love having cut flowers in my home. Hubby has discovered a florist around the corner from his work PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!! Three Thursday in a row I received flowers for no reason!

5. Music...I love music, all kinds (except screamo) and love going to concerts. I'm not really sure this fits in the unimportant category. Music causes my spirit to rejoice, brings me closer to the Lord. I could live without it, but there would be an enormous gap in my spiritual life.

6. Coffee...recently discovered I can live without it, but I don't want to. I am now surviving on decaf and praying I will learn to enjoy it as much as regular

There you have it folks (all three of you who read my blog) My six guilty pleasures

I hope my friends will play along:
1. Yvonne
2. Margie at ChristDrivenMom
3. Sheryl at The Perch
4. Kim at Deliberate Hope
5. Karin at HennHouse
6. Lynne

Here are the rules: Mention the person who tagged you, list your six Unimportant Favorite things, and then tag six other bloggers. Easy as pie....have fun!

so angry i could spit

2009-05-07T05:53:00.000-07:00

I stumbled across this video this morning and it broke my heart. If it's happening in the US, you can bet it's happening so much more in liberal Canada, where our laws are so much more lax.

WHY DON'T THEY CARE?!! How can they not care that a 13-yr-old is having sex with a 31-yr-old?! How can they possibly think that is healthy? I just do not understand this philosophy that kids should be able to do whatever they want. We are supposed to be able to protect our children until they are old enough to make decisions on their own. We make them wear seatbelts and helmets. They can't buy smokes or alcohol until a certain age. They can't drive or vote until a certain age. But they can have sex and have an abortion?!!!

Way to go Lila Rose (Founder of LiveAction) I wish I could give you a hug

**UPDATE** Abortion supporters are being encouraged to donate money to PLanned Parenthood in the name of Lila Rose, to show their support for child abuse?!!!

gratitude

2009-04-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

This weekend I am so grateful for so many things. It's Easter and I am grateful that Jesus chose to suffer that I might live a full, joyous life here on earth and then get to live forever in heaven..... AMEN!

I am enjoying having so much time with my family, with hockey over and Jon having less commitments, we are just really chillaxin and maxin our time together. I am so unbelievably grateful for the work that God has done in our lives. April is another milestone month: April 2005 Jon was kicked out of rehab. Kicked out, my friends. Yet, here he is sober and serving! Serving Jesus with his whole heart, which is still so amazing to me.

I am grateful for my extended family too. Our family had an Easter brunch yesterday. As time goes by I enjoy these family get-togethers more and more. My brothers are amazing to me, so grown up and such awesome men. I am proud of each of them in different ways. They are each so unique and I love each of them in a huge way.

I am grateful for the church community that God brought us to 2.5 yrs ago and the friends that we have made there. God sure does know what he's doing.

Again, God really does know what he's doing, cause I've got these women in my life that are just so amazing...Yvonne, Gen, Kristi, Tanya, Joanne, Mom, Colleen...just for starters.. each fit a different need, each such a joy to be around.

(not that I want to think about work) but yes, I am so grateful to be working where I am. To have an interesting, challenging, rewarding job, with an honest, hard-working, Christian boss. What a blessing!

SO thank you Lord for everything. I pray that you continue to bless and challenge me, so that I can continue to grow.

some things are more important

2009-04-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

Jordan giggled for two days straight earlier this week. The giggle of a 12 year old boy is a rare and priceless gift for all within earshot.

I am enjoying a blissful period of time in which my only responsibilites are going to work and spending time with my family. No extra-carricular fluff, important as it may seem, compares to having evening after evening of time with my boys.

Song for a Fifth Child.

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.--Ruth Hulburt Hamilton

liar liar pants on fire

2009-04-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

I lied. In my last post. I didn't try it again. Running, that is. In fact the closest I came to exercising since last week was maybe a 20min walk.

Dear God, please give me a kick in the butt and make me exercise!

the most awfulist thing

2009-03-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

I ran today. I was not trying to catch a bus, nor was I being chased.

I joined a 9-wk "Running for Beginners" course at work.

I did not die (it was a possibility). I only made it halfway today because I brought an empty inhaler (walk 1 min, run 1 min, walk 1 min, run 1 min...I lasted til the 4th running min)

I'll try it again tomorrow by myself and see how it goes.

I gotta say tho, I hate the feel of sweat *EW!*

you want me to what?!!

2009-03-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

I survived 15yrs in a chaotic relationship with Jon. Today things are good. He is sober, we are healthy, happy and financially stable.

I will do anything to keep that happiness, build on it and grow closer together.

I want to grow old with this man.

including fasting

never, ever thought I would fast. EVER.

But at a bible study in Florida someone said: "fasting is the Spirit's way of telling the body who is in charge".

That totally made sense to me. It kinda rocked me actually.

I noticed earlier this year that my weight has been nearing the next '10'. Last year I noticed myself pass the '10' I'm in now...now I'm so close to the higher '10'.

OK FINE....I'm almost 160. Fine. Happy?

I'm not happy. I weighed less than 140lbs when I was 9 months pregnant. I'm almost 20lbs heavier than I was when I was 9 mths pregnant.

At the rate I have been gaining, I will be over 200 lbs before I turn 40.

I lack discipline. I lack motivation.

So when my husband said people keep bringing up fasting and I told him what I had heard, well....we decided (he decided, I went along with it) to try a one day fast.

It was amazing. Energizing. There is something very empowering about overcoming hunger through prayer. I cant even put it into words.

It's several weeks later and every Thursday we still fast. We fast and when we feel hungry we pray. For each other, our children, our marriage, our families and the men Jon works with at Jericho.

And God hears our prayers.

anything for my man

2009-03-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

I have always said I am not a morning person. Hubby wakes up chiper and excited for his day. Smiling and wanting to talk. He does push-ups, sit-ups and his devotions by 7am every morning.

I, on the other hand, scramble to get out the door on time, so he won't be mad at me for making him late. For many many years I didn't do my hair because I simply didn't have time in the morning. Ponytail had to do.

Last week my wonderful husband looked at me with love and asked if I could do one thing for him. One thing that would make a huge difference in our lives, our marriage and our future.

Of course I said yes.

He asked if I could be downstairs by 7am. (and I knew he didn't mean in my housecoat)

I feel incredibly motivated to do this for him. It's been 5 work days now since he first asked and I have been downstairs by 7am each day. It really is nice not to be rushed and I can see in his face how much he appreciates it.

I don't intend to lose another minute of joy, I will do anything for my marriage.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10 (NIV)

teen cell phone epidemic

2009-02-24T06:06:00.000-08:00

My 12yr-old son has asked for a cell phone. Not persistantly, but it's come up a few times now. He says everyone has a cell phone. In grade 7!!!

Now I'm a wee little bit over-protective, so I can understand parents giving their kids cell phone. I mean, especially for kids who are leaving for school on their own, or coming home to an empty house. I get that.

What I don't get is giving children unrestricted access to the internet and text messaging, in their pocket 24hrs a day. These kids are not old enough yet to have the good judgement required for working a real job, or driving, or voting.

Even the most trustworthy kid can be sucked in. This post shocked me to the core

Apparently we are the only ones concerned about this. The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy did a study, here are some of the results:

How many teens say they have sent/posted nude or semi-nude pictures or video of themselves?
~ 20% of teens overall
~ 22% of teen girls
~ 18% of teen boys

How many teens are sending or posting sexually suggestive messages?
~ 39% of all teens
~ 37% of teen girls
~ 40% of teen boys
~ 48% of teens say they have received such messages

Although most teens and young adults who send sexuallysuggestive content are sending it to boyfriends/girlfriends, others say they are sending such material to those they want to hook up with or to someone they only know online.
Who are these sexually suggestive messages and images being sent to?
~ 71% of teen girls and 67% of teen guys who have sentor posted sexually suggestive content say they have sent/posted this content to a boyfriend/girlfriend.
~ 21% of teen girls and 39% of teen boys say they have sent such content to someone they wanted to date or hook up with.
~ 15% of teens who have sent or posted nude/semi-nude images of themselves say they have done so to someone they only knew online.

How many teens and young adults say they have been shown nude/semi-nude content originally meant for someone else?
~ 38% of teen girls and 39% of teen boys say they have had sexually suggestive text messages or emails—originally meant for someone else—shared with them.
~ 25% of teen girls and 33% of teen boys say they have had nude or semi-nude images—originally meant for someone else—shared with them.

Why do teens and young adults send or post sexually suggestive content?
~ 51% of teen girls say pressure from a guy is a reason girls send sexy messages or images; only 18% of teen boys cited pressure from female counterparts as a reason.
~ 23% of teen girls and 24% of teen boys say they were pressured by friends to send or post sexual content.

Among teens who have sent sexually suggestive content:
~ 66% of teen girls and 60% of teen boys say they did so to be “fun or flirtatious”— their most common reason for sending sexy content.
~ 52% of teen girls did so as a “sexy present” for their boyfriend.
~ 44% of both teen girls and teen boys say they sent sexually suggestive messages or images in response to such content they received.
~ 40% of teen girls said they sent sexually suggestive messages or images as “a joke.”
~ 34% of teen girls say they sent/posted sexually suggestive content to “feel sexy.”
~ 12% of teen girls felt “pressured” to send sexually suggestive messages or images.

5 TIPS TO HELP PARENTS TALK TO THEIR KIDS ABOUT SEX AND TECHNOLOGY”
1. Talk to your kids about what they are doing in cyberspace.
2. Know who your kids are communicating with.
3. Consider limitations on electronic communication.
4. Be aware of what your teens are posting publicly.
5. Set expectations.

There is so much more information in this survey. I encourage you to read it. It has great tips and easy explanations for you and your teen.

We protect our children physically from the time they are babies. We securely fasten their car seats. We teach them to buckle their seat belts, show them how to cross a street properly and to wear a helmet. We need to also be diligent in protecting them emotionally.

Just because everyone is doing it, doesn't mean it's good for them.

In Canada girls as young as 12 are having abortions. I have a friend who is a nurse at a hospital and all the nurses there are required to take turns in the abortion clinic. He is non-Christian and pro-abortion. Yet even he feels a 12 or 14 yr old having an abortion, alone, unprepared, without any parental involvement is wrong.

We are failing our kids. Thank you Theresa for confirming my convictions.

All Information in this post supplied by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy

the Florida blessing

2009-02-13T06:02:00.000-08:00

I love Florida!!! So beautiful. I loved the people, the vegetation, the sunshine!!!!!

What an awesome blessing!!! I should have blogged about it right away, but I have really been trying to focus on working at work. I know, I know...it's tough for me :)

While in Florida I visited Calvary Chapel St. Pete, avery large church in an old Wal-Mart building. Very cool. They have a skate park and drop-in centre open after school most days and Saturdays. I really hope my bro can get out there one day to see that!

CC St Pete has a ladies ministry called 'Salt&Light'. I hooked up with Debbie Friley, the ringleader of that crew. Debbie has been with Navigators for something like 30 years. What an amazing woman and an amazing example of Christianity. This women LIVES what she preaches and has learned how to keep the joy and passion of Jesus Christ alive and real in her life.

I also visited Calvary Chapel Palm Harbor. Palm Harbor is a younger, smaller church and I felt really at home there. I met so many wonderful people. My hosts, Jon & Lori Cadogan and their good friends, Randy & Kari Saul, were amazing! I just felt loved and welcomed like family!!

This whole trip was just so surreal. It really felt like I was given this gift, this blessing. Like God said 'here Vikki, I know you had a hard life. I know how hard you worked and how much suffering you have been through. I know how hard you've been working to get past all that, so here...take this free trip and go hang out in this beautiful place with these wonderful people, and rest. And know that I love you."

(pictures: my host home (above) my croc, me at Honeymoon Island Beach, Debbie Friley speaking at the Salt & Light leaders meeting, and Gen & I after a fabulous day at the Safety Harbor Spa)

quick update

2009-01-22T09:31:00.000-08:00

Here I am in Clearwater, Florida. What a blessing this is. Despite record cold temperatures (freeze warning last night) the sun is shining and I am in flip flops.

Pastor Andy picked Joel, Joseph and I up at the airport and took us to a local Cuban place for dinner. I was a little hesitant, but Cubans do know how to cook some yummy dishes and the four of us ate more food than we should of, enjoyed some delicious cuban coffee and shared two desserts for $50!!!

I was graciously invited to stay at the home of a couple from Calvary Chapel Palm Harbor. Jon & Lori have been wonderful. I feel so welcome and comfortable in their home. I have to admit I was nervous about staying with strangers, like I would be imposing or something, but they are just so inviting I feel like family (I'd say like 'one of their daughters' but I'm too old for that!)

I met some wonderful women at a bible study yesterday morning. It was an introductory meeting for an 8wk "Freedom Workshop". It was so powerful I am tempted to ask them to conference call me in for the next 7 meetings!! God really spoke to my heart and then last night He gave me an opportunity to put into practice what He is trying to teach me: to hear His voice.

At Calvary Chapel St. Pete's last night, Pastor Andy spoke. After the service, just kind of milling around waiting for Gen & Andy I met this kid, Toby. His sister was playing with Gen & Andy daughter. Toby looked so unbelieveably sad. He's 12, the same age as Jordan. His face was so sad and serious and angry every time his mom talked to him. She young, single mom, 3 kids. Toby's the oldest.

It's a small thing, but I took a moment to look into that kids eyes and tell him that God knows him. That God has a plan for his life and that I was going to pray for him every time I pray for my own son. He totally opened up to me, told me some stuff and looked right in my eyes. With pain, then hope. It was 15mins, but I pray that that brief encounter with a stranger from Canada will point him in the right direction for his life.

I have no idea why I'm here. Why a stranger would pay for my airfare to come here and another stranger give me a roof over my head and food to eat. I won't ever know why, but I certainly pray that I will make the most of it, even if in some small way like bringing a smile to a sad boys face.

be still and know

2009-01-20T05:28:00.000-08:00

To those who have noticed that I haven't posted anything in ages "thanks for noticing"! I don't have a whole lot of readers but I'm sure I lost the ones I had.

To be honest, I really had to focus on my work. I try to stay off the computer at home. We are just such a busy family that going on the computer at home is a huge distraction...and I get stuck. If I blog, then I check other blogs and I get reading and the next thing you know, hours have passed and my husband has gone to bed alone (he HATES that and so do I). Same thing happens at work and I just couldn't afford to waste time like that these past few months.

But I had to throw out a quick update: I am on my way to FLORIDA! Praise the Lord...I was given a free trip!!

I fly out today and will spend a week in Clearwater/St Petersburg. "Sans famille" ...alone...no hubby, no kids.
Some people have said how 'lucky' I am, but to be honest I feel sick in my tummy about going without Jon. It's just not the same....but I will make do :)

Our Pastor & his wife, Andy & Gen Falleur, came to Ottawa from Calvary Chapel St Pete's and are going back for a visit and some speaking engagements. Myself and 2 others were invited along...for moral support, I suppose. I'm excited !

I am staying with a family in Clearwater and will visit CC St Pete's and CC Palm Harbor. I have never been to such big churches, so I'm very interested to see them. Gen and I also have a spa day booked at Safety Harbor Resort and Spa. You book one treatment and you get to spend the whole day in their pools and steam rooms!

Other than that all I know is that I am spending the next 7 days getting closer to God. I look forward to some time to really be still and know.

I haven't been away from my husband this long since he has been sober. Maybe that's part of God's plan. Maybe it's time for me to re-focus.

...and have a little fun!

Mrs. Ruby Jr., you make goooood cookies!!!

2008-11-22T20:00:00.000-08:00

so, after all that moaning, I have to confess that I had a blast making my cookies...in a very stressful-I-have-a-million-other-things-I-also-need-to-be-doing kind of way.

I will post pics when I find the cord to the camera, but I think the cookies are adorable. The kids and I had a lot of fun baking. My boys are 10 & 12 and they were amazingly helpful. Honestly.

The first night I made 3 batches of dough with my mom. It was great to spend time with her chatting and hanging out. The second night the boys rolled and cut out the cookies and I peeled them off the waxed paper onto the trays. It was a quite the assembly line. I loved the time with them in a different setting. You know, doing 'girl stuff' for once!!!

Tonight we decorated the gingerbread men, snowmen, stars, etc...and I finished baking the last batch. The last batch needed to happen quickly (cookie party is tomorrow) so I rolled out the dough and cut each sheet into squares. When I pulled the cookies out of the oven I pressed Skor Chipits into each one. They are a fantastic ''Vikki' version of the gingerbread cookie. tra-la-la...I just may be the next Mr. Christie!

We would up having more than enough...18 dozen, even after all the 'broken' ones got eaten by hubby and the boys. The 12 dozen for the paper I put on Christmas paper plates and put the plate into large ziplok bags. All my worry was for nothing. The work is done and I get to hang out with girly friends and have a wonderful lunch tomorrow. I could not be more relaxed tonight.

Here's the recipe, should any of my 3 readers be interested. They truly are delicious and I just may make them again with the boys!

Classic gingerbread cookies

Preparation time 20 minutes
Refrigeration Time 30 minutes
Baking Time 7 minutes per sheet
Makes 4 dozen cookies, 2 inches (5 cm) wide

2 1/2cups (625 mL) all-purpose flour

2tsp (10 mL) ground ginger

1 1/2tsp (7 mL) cinnamon

1/2tsp (2 mL) each allspice, salt and baking soda

1/2cup (125 mL) unsalted butter, melted

3/4cup (175 mL) brown sugar

1 egg

1/3cup (75 mL) fancy molasses

1. In a large bowl, using a fork, stir flour with spices and baking soda. In a medium-size bowl, using a wooden spoon, stir butter with sugar until evenly mixed. Beat in egg, then molasses. Make a well in centre of flour mixture, then stir in molasses mixture until most of flour is absorbed. Gently knead to evenly mix.

2. Form dough into 4 balls, then flatten each into a disc. Wrap separately in plastic and refrigerate until firm, 30 minutes or up to 5 days. Freeze up to 1 month if making ahead.

3. When ready to bake, remove dough from refrigerator. Let stand at room temperature to soften enough for easy rolling, 10 to 15 minutes. Preheat oven to 350F (180C). Lightly spray 2 baking sheets. Place a disc of dough between 2 sheets of waxed paper. Roll dough no thicker than 1/4 inch. Cut out shapes with cookie cutter. Place on baking sheets 1 inch apart.

4. Bake one sheet at a time in centre of preheated oven until edges begin to darken, 7-10mins. Remove to cooling rack. Repeat with remaining dough. Store in a cool place up to 1 week or freeze up to 1 month.

Nutrients per cookie

0.8g protein

2.1g fat

10g carbohydrates

11mg calcium

40mg sodium

62calories

• Low in fat (according to Chatelaine, where I stole the recipe)

Mr Christie, you make good cookies!

2008-11-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

Mrs. Ruby Jr. (that's me) you are NOT Mr. Christie!

I've done it again. Agreed to be part of a cookie exchange. Am I insane?!!!

Haven't heard of a cookie exchange? Well, let me tell you, I don't know what kind of woman came up with this idea, but I can pretty much guarantee you she DID NOT work full-time outside the home. WOTH (work outside the home) mom's don't 'do' Christmas baking. That's what Mr. Christie is for!

"it'll be wonderful. all you have to do is bake 12 dozen of the same kind of cookies and you get to come home with 12 dozen different kinds of cookies"

Oh hooray. Yep, that would sure save me a lot of work - IF I had ever planned on doing Christmas baking.

Christmas baking?! Are you kidding me? What WOTH mom has time for Christmas baking?!!!
Seriously, this family is lucky if they get presents that aren't all from the same store. You know, the store that stays open til midnight, and will be completely picked over by the time I get there.

Two years ago I made some kind of fabulous moroccan chocolate thingy. Took me two days, I blew the motor on the beater and my family avoided me for a week. Last year I was strong. I said I had other plans and couldn't make it to the Christmas cookie exchange party.

This year I felt brave. or stupid. Not really sure. I just really love my friend Tanya. She does throw a good party. Last night as I prepared the dough for my gingerbread cookies I imagined all the wonderful food she will serve. It didn't lower my stress level what-so-ever. It did distract me though and for the life of me I can't remember if I added the baking soda in that second batch.

Tonight the boys & I will bake and decorate and hopefully they will be cute and somewhat edible.

Sweet and Sour Pork Ribs

2008-11-18T11:12:00.000-08:00

Sweet And Sour Pork Ribs à la Colin Merci Colin!

The great thing about these ribs is that you make them the night before....and yeah, and that they taste AMAZING!!!!

4 racks of pork ribs
2 cups of soya sauce
2 cups of brown sugar
1 cup of chicken broth
4 cloves of garlic chopped coarsely
2 tablespoons of chili powder
¼ cup of vinegar

Bring to a boil then back down to medium and stir regularly for 20 minutes.
Let cool
Cut your ribs down to smaller sizes and place in a big bowl or the pan that they’ll be cooking in.
Once cooled, pour sauce onto the ribs and cover everything.
Let marinate in the fridge overnight.

Pre-heat oven to 300 and cook ribs for 2 to 2 and a half hours uncovered.

I will be putting them in the oven before I leave for work and setting the timer! When I get home all I have to do is whip up some uncle ben's rice or a pack of noodles and VOILA!

ps. you may see a lot of recipes in the next while, I'm too stressed lately to post anything else

easy breakfast recipe & Mr. Linky

2008-11-06T07:21:00.000-08:00

This recipe is great for a healthy morning breakfast before school and the easiest way to do eggs for lots of people...

What you need:
muffin pan
eggs
breakfast meat (ie. ham, sausage, bason, turkey, chicken)
cheese

Take the muffin pan and spray it with oil (this step is very important or you'll be sorry when it is time to clean the pan)

Cut the meat into smaller pieces and place at the bottom of muffin cup.

Crack an egg into each muffin cup.

Add grated cheese on top.

Cook at 350, length depends on how hard you want your egg. Should be fully cooked within 10 mins

Thanks to my friend Natalie for this awesome recipe, my family LOVED it!!!

She says she also uses this recipe at times to put over an English muffin, add hollandaise sauce and viola you have eggs benedict.

You can also scramble your egg with vegetables in them for another great tasting breaky.

the best part of this post is that I have figured out Mr. Linky!!! Hopefully all 3 of my readers will blog their favorite easy recipe and Mr. Linky it here!!!!

100 things about me for my 100th post

2008-11-04T07:06:00.000-08:00

This is my 100th post! Pretty lame considering I started this blog in 2004.

I honour of my 100th post I shall begin a "100 things about me" list. I've enjoyed reading them on other people's blogs, so hey, why not.

Of course, it'll be a work-in-progress. I do have real work to do :)

1. I started blogging because of Yvonne. Her blog is so much funnier than mine.
Seriously, why are you even doing wasting your time here?

2. Two amazing boys call me mom. I love them with all my heart.

3. I have only given birth once

4. I despise wearing socks & shoes. I wear flip flops till it snows

5. I had braces for 4 years. I still have nightmares about them. painful nightmares

6. I was never afraid of heights or speed or anything...until a few years ago

7. I skipped church one Sunday night to go to a party and got grounded for two weeks. That's where I met my husband :)

8. I bite my nails. really, really badly. It's disgusting and it hurts my jaw. Crazy.

9. I have worn glasses since gr. 2 and I can't wear contacts

10. I was once hospitalized for a week because of my exzema.

11. I love HUGS

12. I love HOCKEY

13. I love JESUS

14. I love brushing my teeth. (probly has something to do with the braces)

15. I have lived in Ottawa for over half my life and I absolutely LOVE it here!!!

more to come another day...

Thanks for stopping by!!!

passion

2008-11-03T06:31:00.000-08:00

I sat in a meeting last night. A small group of people who love God and want to be doing something meaningful with their lives to show that love to others.

Different sorts of people, with wildly different backgrounds, but drawn together to the same church for that one purpose: to share with others the joy they have found in salvation.

It was my first time at this meeting. As each man spoke (I was the only woman) about what God is doing in the ministry they are involved in at our small church, one thing became very clear to me...

God has given each of us passion. Planted deep in our belly, this passion drives what we do, how we will serve Him.

The men do not agree about what is the most effective way to evangelize, because they have different passions. Each equally as important for the Kingdom. Each unique to the man. Each related to that man's personal experience, his 'story'.

The effectiveness of a testimony cannot be measured because humans are so different that each one needs to be reached in a wildly different way.

What I am passionate about, you most likely will not relate to, or press towards. It's not your passion.

If we have no passion, there will be no love and without love our actions are meaningless.

And so I wait. With this deep growling in my belly, this deep love for the broken. Knowing that each small way in which I serve is just as important as what Billy Graham is doing. Just as effective because it is the one who matters. Each one.

Doing nothing is unacceptable. But I believe that in God's eyes, anything is something and all those something's are equally as valuable.

am I alone here people?

2008-11-02T15:44:00.000-08:00

Let me just start off by saying I don't really read or watch the news. I put the news on for a few minutes every morning while I'm getting ready. I hear snippets at work or on the radio to/from work. Yet somehow it feels that every day I hear more about this financial crisis.

People seem to be freaking out, Stock markets are plummeting. Forecasters say this Christmas could see the lowest retail spending in decades.

I say "Praise the Lord!"

I can't keep up with all these spenders! I'm really trying to drum up sympathy for everyone who lost invisible money in investments. Really I am.

I am so grateful for our 1000 sq-ft home and our 2 used vehicles. This mortgage is manageable, we have no car payments and no credit cards. If we don't have the money in hand, we don't have it.

This Christmas won't be any different for us.

I intend to make this Christmas about family and friends.
I will spend money to visit my grandfather.
I will buy modest gifts for each of my men, a gift for my in-laws and we will participate in my extended family gift exchange.
I will host friends and family in my home as frequently as possible.

I will love. I will cherish. I will not stress. I will not fear. I will enjoy the season and rejoice in the birth of our saviour!

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6-7

freedom

2008-11-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)
I didn't win the Girls Getaway Cruise contest. Twas not to be - at least not this time.

I think I'm ok with that. I think I knew I wouldn't win (although I still love my entry)

Thing is, I let myself dream about it. I let myself hope. and that was good. Dreaming and hoping don't come easily for me.

I don't remember ever dreaming about my future or what my wedding would be like. I didn't think or dream or plan what I would be or do when I grew up. I did have a baby, no planning went into that. I did eventually have a small wedding, planned it in less than a month. We bought the first house we looked at (it was the only one we could afford) and I have never been car shopping (not that I would want to have car payments!)

I guess I learned early not hope. That's the thing about chaos and pain, it envelopes you.

The thing about Jesus is, He frees you!

I will never again live in chaos and denial. I trust my Father's promise that He plans to give me a future. I now truly believe that it's not wrong to dream or hope for something. I never want to live outside our means, but such a loving Father must enjoy hearing of our hopes and dreams.

I can honestly say I'm excited for the winner to meet her friend. If Yvonne living in Winnipeg would have increased our chances of winning, I'd definitely pass. I 'd way rather have my friend close by than meet her once on a cruise.

and really, the disappointment isn't all that bad. The excitement of the possibility was bigger than the disappointment.

I'm off to find more contests to enter ;)

Jericho Road

2008-10-31T12:07:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've written much about the non-profit organization that Jon works for. Jon supervises the 2nd stage homes for men in recovery from addiction. I forgot about this video

It's such a blessing to be involved in an organization that's making a difference in people's lives.

not me Lord, YOU

2008-10-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful for my past. I am so grateful that when I get stressed out or worried about something, all I have to do is start remembering how things were.

There's something about having been broken, having spent time in the depths of despair, and having found Jesus there.

There's just one problem...there's not a lot of people that want to hear that I was married to a drug addict.

HUH, funny eh? Geez, you think people would just love to hear about suffering and redemption.

Yvonne says it best: "it's like I found a million dollars. I want to share all that money with people and they don't want it" (sorry Yvonne, I think I paraphrased :)

I passed a point of no return. I know that I know that I know that I NEVER want to go back to the same old, same old. Pretending life is grand, when really, my husband was running away to snort coke up his nose.

Now I realize there's not a lot of women who can identify with that part of my story. But I'm sure they can identify with the loneliness, the fear, the isolation, insecurity.

I think maybe it's hard for people to hear the rest cause they have trouble getting past the first part; a drug addict?! and you lived with him? ummmm.... they really don't know what to say. So not cool. especially in churches. Sometimes I think it's more 'ok' to be an ex-porn addict than an ex-drug addict.

But here I am, just a few years into this new journey with my million dollars, and man, I just want to tell everyone.

and I'm sorry for freaking everyone out.

really, we're good people. we raised our kids well. We have a crazy story, but somehow we avoided exposing our kids to all that craziness.

and it's right there, at that thought, that I realize the fear is back. Fear of being judged. Fear of what people think. Fear of rejection. Why did I stop trusting Him? Lord, you gave me this story, use me, guide me. They aren't my words but yours.

fear

2008-10-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

I have lived with fear my whole life. I'm sure I'm not alone. We all have it. but I think that recognizing what we are afraid of, and getting it out in the open, brings healing.

As a kid I lived in a very unhappy home. I was afraid of my father's anger and I was afraid that other kids would find out what really went on in my house. I didn't really have a carefree childhood.

When I became pregnant at 20 I was afraid that others would not see me as a good parent. My son became my everything. I was pretty strict with him and had very high standards for his behaviour. I was loving and kind, but firm. I think I also denied my son a carefree childhood. And I now suspect that he fears disappointing me. Which is totally impossible because he has always been beautiful, kind, intelligent and extremely well-behaved. Shocking, really, considering what screw-ups his parents were.

When his dad & I got back together it took me a couple of years to admit he was an alcoholic and a drug addict. It probably shouldn't have taken so long, but he was a great husband and father - when he was home. But he would take off for days. Once fully aware that my husband was living a Jekyll & Hyde life, I feared that other people would find out. I lived for the normal times, and pretended that everything was fine. I covered for him when he didn't come home in time for a birthday dinner or wedding reception. I began to cut myself off from everyone around me, not committing to anything, for fear I couldn't follow-thru.

and everytime he was gone on a bender, I feared he wouldn't come back. I would lie awake all night worrying, praying, crying, begging with God.

As his disease began to progress (whether or not you believe alcoholism/addiction is a disease, it WILL progress) it became more difficult for me to hide the problem from our son. I had always tried so hard to protect him and never let him think badly of his father.

Towards the end, I even became afraid for our safety. Without cause, nothing had 'happened', I just became so determined that we would never be a statistic. That none of those horrible things would ever happen to us. And as a result of this healthy, God-given fear, I made changes in my life. I stopped trying to control and I let God take over. I began to trust.

Best choice I have ever made.

God is BIG. I am little.

Sometimes, I feel the fear creeping back in. Fear of what people think, fear of failure, fear of rejection.

and I know I need to stop trying to control and let God take over because in Him I trust

waiting

2008-10-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

I can't write. I can't.

There is something that I want so badly, I just know that it's wrong to want it so bad.

I entered a contest. to win a cruise. a cruise

That, my friends, is something so far from the realm of possibility in my world right now. I could never. would never.

but I would have to go if I won it.

guilt free! (that's probably not true, but I would pray through the guilt)

what a glorious glorious time that would be. to bask in the presence of Jesus! To frolick and play with hundreds of women of all ages. Did I mention it's a girls cruise?!

oh lands sakes alive...i live in a house with 3 boys, grew up with 3 brothers, that sounds like heaven calling!!!

I poured my heart into that entry. Prayed about it for weeks. I just want to bless others through my story, and if I'm not picked...well...i suspect there will be tears.

until the winner is announced I will be silent. praying my heart out. I want them to pick a woman who will both be blessed and bless others. Very likely someone else, but I can HOPE!

You'll hear from me Nov 2nd my friends

surprise cash??

2008-09-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

The Bank of Canada has a website where you can check if there is an unclaimed bank account with your name on it! My brother-in-law just collected around $500 last week. Seems his grandparents had invested $200 in a bank account, but somehow it was forgotten about or lost.

Click and see if your name is on it, you just never know!

hockey season

2008-09-22T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hockey season has begun in full force. It starts with me remembering in early June that fees are soon due. Then in early August that big cheque cleares out of my bank account (gulp!) and then mid-late August the tryouts start.

This year is JR's fourth season trying out for the competitive teams. The last two years he was cut from the top team but made the 2nd top team in our district. He took it pretty good both times, mildly disappointed, but over it quickly.

This year was a little different and it was totally my fault. I still believe 100% that I heard the coach say he would call the 'released' players by 10am to inform them. We waited around the house until 11:25am. Then we went to the mall for the day. At first he wasn't sure he was off the hook (he hadn't done too well in the 2nd tryout) but as the day went on and I reassured him that they had said 10am...well, he began looking forward to the tryout that evening.

We arriveed back home at 5:30, just in time to get ready to go to the tryout that evening and that's when we saw it: the atrocious blinking light of our old-fashioned answering machine. You remember, the kind that you can't call from somewhere else to check for messages.

We played the message and my heart fell when I realized the coach had called only 3 mins after we left the house. He went straight to his room. I hadn't seen that big 12-yr-olds boy cry crocodile tears in a long time.

A big Dairy Queen sundae helped cheer him up that night and by morning he was asking when the tryouts start for the 2nd top team.

I'm proud of him - and not just because the made the 2nd top team again ;)

feetsies

2008-09-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

I know I came in to work wearing nice heeled boots & socks. The boots came off in the first half hour, I know that. For the life of me I do not recall taking off my socks.

Guess I should stick to flip-flops for a little while longer. I mean, it is only mid-September. Why suffocate so soon?!

who da boss?

2008-09-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

I am so much further ahead in life than I was three years ago. In every way; emotionally, spiritually, at home, in my carreer,,. So much has changed it's truly a miracle.

Yet sometimes I forget who's in charge. I regress back to the old me, trying to control, fix or deny my circumstances. Like lately, in my marriage.

Today I thank Kim at Deliberate Hope for a beautiful reminder.

When Jon went into treatment almost 3yrs ago, we started to clean up our lives. We slowly made significant changes and progress. I remember looking back and thinking how on earth did I ever get through all those horrible years?

At that moment I was reminded how I had committed my life to God when I was in Jr High. I had been filled with the Holy Spirit, I had been baptised, and I had been on fire for God. The Lord spoke to me then and said I never left you. I love you. You belong to me. I was there. I held your hand. I gave you wisdom.

I honestly hadn't realized that. Amidst all my bad bad BAD decisions, the partying, the pregnacies, the fights. God was there, watching, protecting and waiting. All those nights, lying awake, alone and afraid that this could be the time Jon doesn't come back from his drug binge. Praying my half-prayers that God would protect him. God was there, watching, protecting and waiting.

Why do I forget? Why do I think that today would be any different? That I co0uld possibly be any less deserving of His love, guidance and protection than I was back then?

The struggles that I have today seem so much less significant than what I went through before, but I need to remember that He is still in charge. And what a relief that is!

upcoming movie

2008-09-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

never before have I cried watching a movie trailer. I found this on someone's blog and since I loved 'Facing the Giants' I definitely plan on seeing this one.

How far would I go? What would I do? ummm...I married a drug addict. Ever watched an episode of A&E's "Intervention"? That would give you an indication what my life was like. He would have done anything for drugs. I would have done anything for him.

Lying awake nights and days on end, wondering, praying he would come home. Phoning his cell phone repeatedly, hoping he would answer. Paralyzing with fear if the phone rang, would it be him or the police? There is no feeling like the steel band of fear wrapped around your gut, as you watch the man you love lie there in a drug-induced state of incoherence. Wondering if this was the time he took too much. Certain that you should probably call an ambulance because his words make no sense and his eyes are rolling back in his head, but too afraid.

God pulled us out of that pit into a life of redemption. Our lives are so full of joy today, just three years later. Joy that I honestly never imagined was possible.

The crazy thing is, today I sit here wondering what I need to do for my marriage. I just don't understand why we can't seem to get along.

God, please help us. You've given us so many miracles, please just one more.

He is my prize

2008-09-07T14:36:00.000-07:00

I'm really trying to wrap my head around it lately, how much He loves me. Everything He has done for me. It's kinda mind-boggling

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me

And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us so

Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves
Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And the heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about, the way...

He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves
Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

Well, I thought about You the day Stephen died
And You met me between my breaking
I know that I still love You, God, despite the agony
...They want to tell me You're cruel
But if Stephen could sing, he'd say it's not true, cause...

Cause He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves
Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves

-John Mark McMillan wrote it. Here is his version and the story behind it

2008-09-03T11:48:00.000-07:00

I'm doing my best to lean on the one true God. The one who loves me unconditionally.
Unconditional love is pretty hard to wrap my head around.

Sometimes a song says it best

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
but she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually changed
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hand
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will live like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Ooh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will live like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too
So mothers be good to your daughters, too

timelines

2008-08-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

As I cleaned the tub this morning I got to thinkin' about some timelines......

My first thought was that the tub probably hadn't been cleaned since December (YIKES!!!!)

Three years & minus three days ago I had just turned 30

Three years ago today I didn't know where my husband was. Well, I knew he was out on another bender but didn't know really where or when he would come back

Three years ago in May we just just moved into our very first house.

Three years ago plus three days I packed up my house and put everything in storage, never intending to live here again.

Life today is so happy, so full of joy, so far removed from where we were three years ago.

I got tickets to the Hillsong Conference in Toronto for my birthday!!! I just can't believe what a new man my husband is and I am thoroughly enjoying this new life :)

OK God, teach me

2008-08-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

I think God just handed me an opportunity to not only share everything I have learned over the past couple of years, but I'm sure He'll be teaching me more as I share.

On Sunday I did something kinda scary. My husband oversees 2nd stage addiction recovery homes. This new guy came along last week sometime and seems to be fitting into the discipleship program. Jon had told me that the guy from across the country and has a wife and kids. No big deal, he's not the first guy to come along that has a wife and kids. I didn't really think much of it.

I met this guy on Sunday at church. No big deal, I meet most of Jon's guys. I like most of them and care about all of them, especially seeing them so excited about what God is doing in their lives. In fact, I probably get more attached to them than Jon does which is why he's good at his job and I most definitely would NOT be. I digress...

So I meet this guy at church and he's sitting in front of me. The Pastor taught on 1 Corinthians 12, the Spiritual gifts. Then he left room for the gifts at the end. We're a small church. There was probably 30 people there. It was quiet and kind of awkward, but somebody shared a song the Lord put on their heart. Someone else prayed. Some read a verse for someone else, to encourage. And for some reason I was prompted to share a short testimony. The Lord just really put it on my heart that I needed to share a time in my life when God gave me wisdom and peace beyond my own capacity, really beyond comprehension.

I shared the testimony and then as I sat there I was reminded of the great pain and suffering I had been through...alone. And I felt a nudging that I needed to ask this guy if I could call his wife. To ask her if I could be her friend, as someone who has been through what she is going through. To encourage her.

Scary stuff, I've never ever even thought of contacting the spouse/partner of one of Jon's guys before. But I asked him and he sounded relieved and grateful. I explained that my intention was NOT try to convince her how well he was doing, or to be any kind of mediator between them. I said, in all honesty, I would never EVER live with an active again, so that's not my intention. What happens between the two of them is all part of God's plan and the actions and determination of the husband will determine their future together.

I called her last night and we spoke for almost an hour. When I got off the phone I just knew that this opportunity was not just to help her, but that God was giving me an opportunity to learn and grow myself.

I could have shrugged off that feeling. I could have been too scared to make a 'cold call' like that. But I am really glad I didn't. I am really greatful that I stepped out in faith to this scary place of being taken outside my comfort zone.

My new friend and I have a lot in common and thankfully she loves the Lord too!!! So I am praying for her strength and wisdom. That she will take the steps needed to heal and grow into the woman and mother that God desires her to be, in the fullness of His JOY, regardless of what happens with her husbands recovery.

I am Blessed!!!

the event

2008-08-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

I had posted a while ago about an event my husband & I organized to promote awareness about addiction (read: God was in the Building)

Well, we finally got a video clip of the event. It's not the final edit, but I get goosebumps every time I watch it.

God is STILL working through that event. At the end of June, Jon spoke at a youth group. A young man was there and came up to him and said he wasn't even sure why he was there, he doesn't usually go to that youth group. He had been at Breaking the Chains and Jon had prayed for him and his struggled with internet pornography addiction. He wanted to tell Jon that his chains had been broken, he had not struggled with that addiction for over 6 weeks!

Another man contact Jon a few weeks back. He had also been at Breaking the Chains and was recovering from drug addiction. That man is now part of the Jericho Road Discipleship House!

already?

2008-08-11T06:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my boy turned 12. I just can't believe it!

We made Saturday his special day since we were driving them to their very first sleepaway camp (Camp Iawah) yesterday. On his special day he chose chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, then he had a birthday party with his friends at 11am and then we had a family BBQ in the evening. When I was tucking him in that night (cause I'm still allowed :) for now!) he signed contentedly and said that was his best birthday EVER.

He has really grown in the past year, but I am blessed that he still enjoys doing things with us. This summer he has been content to spend Mondays & Fridays with me and Tues, Wed, Thurs with Grandma. I know there's a lot of 12yr-olds that would complain about having to go to Grandma's house all summer. Fortunately, this Grandma does fun stuff with the boys and really tries to make the time she spends with them special.

On Friday I asked Jordan what he wanted to do. He asked if we could go mini-putting. Just me & him. I feel so totally blessed that he would want to spend time with me and isn't always asking to invite a friend.

I treasure these moments. He starts grade 7 in September and I pray that we can continue this family time thru jr high & high school.

Man I love that kid!!!!

under construction

2008-07-22T11:39:00.000-07:00

I have been quiet lately. Unable to post. Unable to put my thoughts on "paper".

There's a few reasons for this, the first being that I negotiated a reduced work-week for the summer so I could spend more time with the kids. My work-load is reduced in the summer and I felt I could easily smush it into 3 days. That is not proving to be as easy as I thought it would be.

I feel stretched. I feel like I'm not giving my all at work, or at home.

A few weeks back we listened to an excellent teaching that brought up the subject of depression and my husband had suggested that I should think about that some more (citing examples from the teaching, pointing out my many flaws and how they relate to depression). I brushed it off thinking "I'm not depressed. My life is the best it has ever been. I have absolutely nothing to be depressed or ever discouraged about."

Then I had a fun weekend babysitting for two different dear friends. Both families have 2 girls each. The first set (ages 2 & 5) came Friday evening for dinner & a sleepover, the 2nd set (ages 5 & 8) came Saturday for dinner and sleepover. We had a great and it was a realy treat for this mom of boys.

It was exausting though and I don't think I realized just how tired I was. On the Monday I had the day off with my kids. I was completely spent and slept in late, then just couldn't motivate myself to do anything with my kids. We spent the day at home, they were content playing video games and shooting hoops. I felt horrible and my husband words were echoing in my head. I spent a lot of time on the internet reading blogs and articles on depression, listening to messages and I began thinking maybe I really am depressed. It sure fits today. Maybe I need meds. Maybe he's right.

That evening I mentioned this to my mother-in-law, that perhaps I suffered from depression, and she had the most beautiful words of encouragement for me. She said that she had been praying for me recently and really felt that I have a gifting that is not yet being fulfilled and that perhaps this was leaving me feeling at loose ends. She said she had even recently mentioned something to my father-in-law about this recently.

Those words spoke volumes to me. It made immediate total sense.

My husband is a changed man, dramatically changed. He is spiritually gifted in many ways. He has a God-given job in ministry which is designed to perfectly suit his strengths and utilize these gifts. He is constantly learning and growing in the Lord and sharing his knowledge and giftings with others.

And he is constantly sharing his knowledge with me, pointing out areas in which I need improvement. I know he means to be helpful and loving to help me become a better person, but I simply feel like a failure. I feel I don't measure up to his standards...and in turn, that I don't measure up to His standards, My Heavenly Fathers'. (I have a lot of earthly father issues also, that I won't even get into here).

The truth is, My Heavenly Father is not done with me yet. I know that in my head, just gotta get it into heart. I am a work in progress. I may drive my husband crazy with all my quirks, but My Heavenly Father loves me as I am and He delights in me. The promise that I hold onto comes from Isaiah 62:4-5:

You shall no longer be termed forsaken...
but you shall be called Hephzibah (literally: My delight is in her)
For the Lord delights in you... as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.

brain freeze

2008-06-29T16:20:00.000-07:00

i can't blog. i can't read. i can barely watch tv. i have zero ability to concentrate lately.

i don't know if it's because i'm exhausted just physically or if there's something spiritual going on, but i have a definite brain freeze.

i'm sure i will be back to blog about it soon.....

enough is enough

2008-06-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

I have been biting my nails for as long as I can remember. For-EVER. I probably bit them in-utero.

As I got older I got smarter (?) and the biting became focused on 2 nails, the pointer finger and pinky finger on my left hand. I wasn't that smart tho, cause I'm left-handed. Can you just imagine my embarassment every time I point to something. Those two fingernails are completely and utterly disgusting!

Don't even bother mentioning the yucky-tasting stuff (that's like adding sour drops to a slurpee...mmmmm) or false nails (the nails are so bumpy & thin, nothing will stick to them). I try taping them, but that's only a temporary fix and I think I pick at my other nails when those ones are taped.

This is serious business people. I bite my nails so much I cause lockjaw and serious jaw pain.

My husband HATES it that I bite my nails. It's as annoying to him as drumming fingers on a table, or those people that jiggle their legs (grrrrrr). I HATE that my fingers are so UGLY. It also grosses me out cause I know there's lots of germs on hands. I wash my hands lLOTS and open doors with my sleeve, but still.

It's time to do something different to solve this problem. I'm thinking about getting regular manicures. Or maybe a ticket to Holland might be cheaper:

Dutchman offers cure for nail biting
top of page Sat, 08 Sep 2007 08:03:28 GMT By ARTHUR MAX, Associated Press Writer

VENLO, Netherlands - Do you find your fingers drifting into your mouth when you're nervous, anxious or just bored? Are your nails chewed to splinters or your cuticles gnawed to bleeding pulp? Nail biting is more than a bad habit. Doctors say it is one of the most common symptoms of stress or of an obsessive-compulsive disorder, especially for teenagers or younger children, and can lead to disfigurement and serious infection. Alain-Raymond van Abbe, a former health industry and cosmetics promoter, estimates the world's pathological nail biters number 600 million or more. He saw that onychophagy was so widespread that he has opened a business devoted to a cure.

"In four weeks, nail biting can be over — and over forever," he says.

Studies show around 45 percent of adolescents nibble their nails. That drops to about 20 percent as young adults learn to cope with their anxieties or become too embarrassed by their self-inflicted deformity.

In public, compulsive biters typically keep their hands out of sight as much as they can, buried in their pockets or behind their backs. They often feel depressed and shamed, and avoid social contacts. Van Abbe says his clients suffer so much from the stigma that none would volunteer to be interviewed or photographed.

He calculates Holland alone has 2 million chronic sufferers, enough to keep his enterprise busy and profitable. He charges up to $670 for a course of treatment.

Van Abbe, whose field is marketing rather than medicine, describes himself as a problem solver. His treatment relies on a tooth guard molded to fit either the upper or lower teeth. Barely visible, the "preventer" makes it impossible to bite, but can be removed for eating.

"After four weeks, the impulse disturbance is so frustrated that it is controlled. You don't have any problem any more," he said.

After developing his solution over two years and working with about 150 pilot customers, Van Abbe refitted a gabled brick house in Venlo, near the German border, with reclining leather manicurists' chairs where cosmeticians can begin reviving damaged finger and toe nails.

Yes, some of his clients habitually bite their toe nails, including one man in his 40s, Van Abbe said. "If you start young, you stay flexible."

Nail biting is one of a category of obsessive-compulsive disorders known as Body-Focused Repetitive Behaviors that is gaining more scientific attention. Others include hair pulling, skin picking or incessantly biting the inside of the cheek.

Lawrence S. Micheletti, an assistant professor of psychiatry at the University of Texas Medical Branch, says most research on nail biting focuses on the psychological stress and on the therapies that treat the source of the problem.

But there also is a chicken-and-egg factor, because the ugly result of self-mutilation heightens anxiety. "If you cure the symptom, you reduce the stress, and the person is a happier person," Micheletti said in a telephone interview.

Micheletti, who works with many adolescents in stress management, says nail biting is one of the most common symptoms he sees among his patients. He said Van Abbe appeared to have developed "a plausible approach" since, in clinical terms, the treatment involves both cognitive and behavioral aspects. But he wonders about Van Abbe's business model."I never thought of opening a clinic just for nail biters," he said. "I wouldn't want to rely just on nail biters to make my living."

If you have any suggestions for me, closer to home...please comment away

And NO! I do NOT bite my toe nails!!!

moonlighting

2008-06-10T10:27:00.000-07:00

I look forward to finishing my story, but unfortunately I don't know how soon that can happen. My full-time job is quite busy at the moment, plus I have several shifts coming up at my part-time job. 12 shifts in the next 11 days, in fact. It's going to be rough working day & night!

Throughout the year, usually only a couple times a month, I serve dinners and receptions at an Ambassadors private residence. The House Manager and all the other residence staff are fantastic to work with (altho a little freakishly stressed out at times, but hey, it's not my real job so that doesn't really bother me!) So far the two Ambassadors I've worked for have been quite nice also. Every year at the beginning of summer we have a full week with an event every evening, including a fancy-schmancy ball (the GG is usually there). And every year I think I'm going to quit after the crazy week. it's kinda fun tho, and the pay is really good, so I stick it out for the fun money.

There are a few akward moments tho, cause people from my 'real' job frequently get invited to the Ambassadors house (including my boss, altho thus far he has always had to decline, thank goodness!). It's funny how 'semi-important people' don't notice the 'little people'. I've served hors d'oevres to people that I had a conversation with the week before and not been recognized. The actual 'important' people are much better at remembering faces and acknowledging people. I had one man watch me all evening out of the corner of his eye. I finally said 'yes, I work down the hall from you' and he was so relieved to know how he knew me!

I also get invited to receptions myself (through work) and I find I am so much more aware of the people serving the drinks and food. I am also very conscious of when it's time to leave!!!!! (psst... if you are at a reception serving hors d'oevres all night, and they start to bring out trays of desserts that means you have aprox 30mins til they want you to GET OUT!!!)

Personally, I do not enjoy receptions one bit. I don't like making small, unimportant talk with people. I don't enjoy talking about politics or policies. I want to talk about life and know about people's passions. I want to know where they find their joy. I love to hear their struggles, if they are willing to share.

I guess that's why I love reading peoples blogs!!!

made for eachother (part 2)

2008-06-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

(part 2 of my story) Read part 1 here

Heather at Desperately Seeking Sanity is having a contest. She wants to know Where He Met You! It's a fantastic game and I'm loving reading everyone's stories. Take a gander, you won't be sorry...

Unfortunately, I am only on part 2 of my story. Therefore, I have Mr. Linky'd to this old post (one of my faves).

*********************************

It took me a while to figure out why a 'normal', attractive girl like me would spend so many years with a guy who repeatedly treated her like crap. I'm not proud of it, but I had had a lot of really nice boyfriends. None of whom ever treated me the way Jon treated me. And yet, I went back to him over and over and OVER.

I realize now, I was made for him. No, not just created by God to be his life partner. I mean that things in my my childhood had trained me to put up with that crap. I don't blame my parents for all my years of trouble, they did the best they could considering how they were raised. My intention here is not to blame, or bad-mouth anyone. I have learned a lot about myself by examining my past experiences and it has really helped me to move forward. If anyone from my family is reading this, please let me know if anything here offends you or if there's anything you want me to take down.

First let me say, I have repeated many of my mother's bad choices. My dad was a charmer & a manipulator ( did I mention: Married!). Mom was 19 and pregnant within 3 months of meeting him. They stayed together. She quit school. I was 5 when they got married and 6 when they became 'born again'. They were renting a house from a wonderful Christian couple and we became part of a small church fellowship. I have many wonderful memories of that church family, summer camp, Sunday school, pot-lucks, and more. But for the most part my home was chaotic, unhappy & unstable. 3 more children were added to the mix. You know, cause we didn't have enough 'excitement', God sent 3 boys.

I was 7 when my first bro was born and 12 when the last came along, my parents had a built-in babysitter. There are a lot of feelings mixed up in this for me, it's really hard to even put it down. I know my parents were well-intended, but my dad really really had no idea how to raise kids or love anyone. He was angry at the world for who-knows-what and his expectations of my mom and us kids were so unbelievably unrealistic. He worked shift-work, so for a few (fantastic) days we wouldn't see him and then when he was around, everyone walked on eggshells. You just never knew what would set him off.

At 12 I discovered boys and they liked me a whole lot more than my dad seemed to, but I was still pretty much a good girl. I needed attention. I needed love. I needed security. What I really needed was a daddy.

At 12 I was also bulimic for several months and tried to overdose on pills. My parents were out and I was babysitting my brothers again. I was lonely and angry and I took every pill I could find (which really wasn't much...probably a handful of extra-strength tylenol)). Then I went to my room in the basement and 'laid down to die'. Later I woke up, my mouth felt swollen and dry. I was dizzy but I crawled up to the 2nd floor to my parents room, where they were now sleeping having come home from wherever they were. I recall so clearly going into my parents room, heaving, sobbing, ashamed, and scared. They sat up in bed, probably pretty freaked out, asking me what was wrong. I just couldn't get the words out. My father looked at me with his glare and said "you're pregnant". That moment is imprinted in my memory. I had barely kissed a boy at that point.

At 14 I met Yvonne. I hadn't had a good Christian friend for many years and my parents had been praying that God would send me one. Yvonne was a real live answer to prayer at a time in my life when I really really needed one. Just after I met her, my dad was transferred to Ottawa and started working there right away. The market was terrible in Wpg at that time and it took 18months for our house to sell. Things were great at home while he was gone, and absolutely unbearable when he was home.

I had met Yvonne at something called Come to the Cross. CTTC was held monthly for youth and organized by youth. The organizers, the band, the speaker...all youth. It was a powerful encounter with the Holy Spirit in a way I had never experienced before. All my years of church I had never known Jesus , but I met Him there. CTTC grew out of almost every church in the city. The worship would go on far longer than planned, no one wanted to leave. It was an amazing time in my life, despite the fact that things at home were getting worse.

Looking back now, I can see what God was doing giving me that amazing experience and the deposit of the Holy Spirit. He knew things were going to get much much harder.

love at first sight (part 1)

2008-05-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been really struggling with my son growing up. He will be 12 in August and it brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it.

My husband keeps telling me to 'stop worrying, he's fine'. I know he's fine. I also know that it is an absolute miracle that he is fine. I know that God is the only reason that he is fine. It's sure not thanks to me or his dad. That thought brought me to what has apparently turned out to be 'part 1' of my story. Not really sure I want it on the 'www', but I do know that I never want to forget what God has done for me in my life and this is a good way to remember:

Jon & I met in high school at the very first party I ever went to (it was a pretty small party at that). At the end of gr. 11 I was 16. Very active in Youth Group. Good little church girl. Didn't smoke, swear or do anything else I shouldn't.

I skipped church on a Sunday evening. I think I had one drink and was home by 11. Somehow I got caught and was grounded for 2 weeks.

Long story short, that was the beginning of 13 years of rebellion, pain, sorrow and suffering. Something had changed in my heart and I was done trying to be a good girl, although I didn't realize it right away. I had met Jon at the party that night and he was very interested in me. I didn't know it then but he was not a 'good boy'. His dad was a Pastor at a local church, his parents were warm and loving, I had no idea what I was really getting myself into.

It took a little while for me to realize that this Missionary/Pastor Kid was involved in a lifestyle far different than I had ever experienced. Before long I was drinking and going to parties on a regular basis. It also didn't take long for me to give away my virginity.

Now, I had always had boyfriends, one after another in fact, from the time I was 13. I had dated a lot of really really nice Christian guys. I had 'walked the line', so to speak, but I was keeping myself for marriage and they all respected that.

In the blink of an eye, at 17, I gave it away to Jon (yes in the back of a car). The kicker? It didn't take long for me to find out that he had cheated on me. Nice.

Thus began our off-on relationship from hell. I have never met anyone who can manipulate like Jon (we'll get his story on here later) and I was the perfect girl for him: insecure, naive, love-starved and attention-seeking. He played me like a fiddle and I fell for it every time.

more another day.....

so glad I limp

2008-05-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

"God does not give deliverance to us, He IS our deliverance"

Jon Courson, Limping Through Life

I just listened to Jon Courson's "Limping Through Life" (It's a great great message that everyone should hear!) and I am again reminded how grateful I am that my husband was a drug addict. God has tremendously blessed us in the past couple of years and I praise Him for being our deliverance. I am thankful every day that my husband is now such an enormous spiritual mentor to me.

The struggles in our lives, whatever they may be, will probably be with us forever because that's what brings us closer to God.... IF we choose to allow it.

*************

(EDITED May 30th) I have a PRAYER REQUEST dear readers (all 3 of you!): Jericho Road Christian Ministries is looking to rent another home (#8!!) for the discipleship house that Jon has been running. This would mean that the discipleship house could grow from the current three, to hopefully five men. Jon is always "interviewing". "Interviewing" means there are several men with addiction issues who call him weekly hoping for a bed at Jericho. He talks to the guys every week and when a bed opens, the Holy Spirit tells him who to accept.

All those years that he was using, he was such a huge thorn in my side I never would have dreamed he would one day be discipling me and five other men!!!!!

not yet

2008-05-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not ready. I need more time. Please please Lord, just a couple more years.

I'm not ready for my son to grow out of childhood.

My son will be 12 years old this August. He will be going to a High School. I know the 7 & 8's keep different schedules than the older grades. That does not make me feel better today.

A few weeks ago I started to notice changes in my little boy. Some attitude. He admitted he has a girlfriend (whether they actually speak to eachother is still in question).

I'm not ready.

He wants to walk over to the corner store with a friend after school. He wants to walk to his best friends house alone (thank you Jesus for that best friend!!!)

Come to think of it, it was a few weeks ago that he asked to go to his first Youth Group. He went alone. He is so much braver than I ever was.

It was also just a few weeks ago that he went to the front during a worship set at a Youth Rally we had taken him to (his dad was a speaker).

Man I love that kid!

When the fear starts to swallow me, as it has so many times these past few weeks, I'm just reminded to pray pray pray.

Bring the Rain

2008-05-26T06:21:00.000-07:00

There is a woman named Audrey with a blog I cannot stop visiting. Her child just died in her arms. She knew while she was pregnant that the child would not live and she began blogging when she found out.

What she writes is so unbelievable, it rocks me to the core.

Jesus stares at me from her page. Jesus is there in her writing, in her pain, in her words. Every time I read her entries, I am freshly reminded why I need Jesus. Being a Christian, knowing I have a Saviour, means absolutely nothing if I don't trust and rely on Him for peace and joy during the storms.

My reaction during the hard times in my life is a far bigger witness to others about why I am a Christian than anything else I could possibly do or say.

Her blog is called "Bring the Rain" She has only been blogging for a few months, so you may want to start at the beginning.... but make sure you have some tissue nearby.

God was in the Building

2008-05-07T09:31:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a big big day for us, a milestone day really.

BREAKING THE CHAINS was an absolutely amazing event!!!!

It is still shocking to me that my husband three years ago lost his job, wrote off three cars and ultimately lost his family and his personal dignity due to his addiction to substances. That was three years ago. Breaking the Chains was a vision given to my now-sober, spirit-filled husband(see February for a detailed post about Breaking the Chains) and I believe it was just the beginning of new and amazing things that we will be involved in.

The whole day was just surreal. Our Pastor's Pastor from Calvary Chapel Palm Harbor flew in for the event. The Director of Calvary Chapel St. Petersburg's Calvary House also flew in.

The number of volunteers that came out to help us put this on astounded me. We arrived quite early at the Bronson Centre and the band was already there. Men began arriving to help set-up and they just kept coming. We must have had 20 volunteers and really there was nothing for anyone to do, but they all seemed ok with that. Everyone was just excited to be involved. People dropped off food for the band and volunteers and others stopped by just to see if they could help. Others came to pray for the event and all those involved.

We had made t-shirts which were immensely popular - who knew?!!!! We gave them out to all the volunteers, the speaker, the band and threw some to the crowd. People were begging to buy them, it was amazing.

We had invited most of the youth groups from churches across Ottawa. We had delivered posters and rave card to all the Catholic High Schools. I had sent out numerous emails and messages on Facebook to tell people what we were doing and why. A few of the grateful Jericho Road clients had been hitting the streets, AA/NA meetings and University campuses to talk to people, tell them about the event and give them a rave card. The responses from those interactions were tremendous. People were opening up to the guys, telling them about their own struggles or friends' struggles with all sorts of forms of addiction (not just drugs & alcohol).

By the morning of the event, everyone who was involved had already experienced such amazing spiritual and emotional growth that I honesty thought it all was worth it, even if nothing happened at the event itself. Even if the whole evening was a catastrophe, God had already made himself known in everyone who was involved in the planning.

But the evening was far from a catastrophe...it was a complete success!!! As we drew closer to 7:30pm, we were quite nervous. There was very few youth. In fact, I believe only three small groups of youth showed up. What shocked us was the number of people who came from the recovery communities of AA and NA. I believe a lot of those people are probably not regular 'church-goers'. The head count showed a total of 190 people in attendance!!! and I'm quite positive that more people came who didn't get counted.

The band, 5 Minute Window, opened up with a couple of songs and prayer. They were and are absolutely amazing!!! I would hire them again in a second. In fact, I'm already trying to figure out when/how we can get them to do another show.

Jon gave a brief (5min) testimony and I cried through the whole thing. I'm glad it's on video because all I remember is feeling so very proud and blessed. I know what he planned on saying and I'm pretty sure he said it exactly how he wanted. I look forward to hearing it again. Jon's testimony was followed by our friend Randy giving a brief (2min) testimony and reading the event verses from Psalm 107:10-16:

10 Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom,
prisoners suffering in iron chains,

11 for they had rebelled against the words of God
and despised the counsel of the Most High.

12 So he subjected them to bitter labor;
they stumbled, and there was no one to help.

13 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.

14 He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom
and broke away their chains.

15 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love
and his wonderful deeds for men,

16 for he breaks down gates of bronze
and cuts through bars of iron

The band played a couple more worship songs and then our friend Jesse gave his 5min testimony. Honestly, the impact to that point was so tremendous that the evening would have been complete, lives changed, chain broken. But the main speaker was still to come after a couple more songs.

Alvin Powell opened floodgates. Alvin's testimony of his childhood, reaching unexpected fame and losing everything was extremely powerful. Most powerful though was how he explained God's saving grace and that we keep focused by reaching out to help others. Everyone could identify with Alvin's story in some way or another, even if they never struggled with drugs or alcohol. Alvin's testimony of finding a resting place in God's love, and keeping that place by helping others, serving, spoke volumes. Grown men were crying through the whole thing. Where we come from, we call that a successful event!!!

After Alvin, Jon offered to pray for anyone who had chains to be broken and the band played in the background. So many people came forward!!!! I was blown away. Jon prayed for a couple of minutes and then the prayer team prayed individually with people and people lined up to have Alvin pray for them (and get an autograph). The prayer time lasted at least half an hour, and many people continued to worship. I observed people just sitting, resting in God's presence. I believe that some of those people had likely never been to a worship service and didn't even know that that was what they were doing.

I thought the song selection was absolutely perfect, which was amazing because the band didn't really know what Jon, Randy, Jesse and Alvin would say but the songs fit with the testimonies perfectly.

A truly amazing evening!!!! God was in the house!!!!!

2008-05-02T08:44:00.000-07:00

I am fasting for bloodwork today. Nothing serious, in fact, quite the opposite. I am being considered for a clinical study would pay enough to send Jordan & I on the Mission trip to Mexico!!!! No relation between those two things, just a 'coincidence' that I need at least $2000 to go on this mission trip with my son and the clinical study pays $1500. WOOT WOOT!!

Back to the fasting. Now perhaps if this were being done for spiritual reasons, my mind would be in a better place. I don't really know because I've never felt God telling me to fast. Maybe one day. Not this time. This time I am STARVING I am CRANKY. And I have a headache from no coffee.

Pray I get accepted in this study so I can do this 4 more times lol !!!

on the verge

2008-05-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

Do you know that feeling that you're on the verge of something big?

BREAKING THE CHAINS is fast approaching. I can't believe it's happening already.

Saturday May 3rd 7:30pm @ the Bronson Centre. This is it. We are actually DOING SOMETHING. Lives could be changed. I believe lives WILL be changed.

I'm nervous. My body is tingling. I can't really describe the feeling, but I just know this is BIG. It's a good nervousness, anticipation, like before a big vacation. Only this vacation touches the lives of (hopefully) hundreds of kids.

I just hope I don't try to hug them all. They might find that weird :)

If you don't know what I'm talking about, I blogged about it in "February 2008"

6 years

2008-04-29T09:48:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 6th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TO US!!!!!!

April 27, 2002

I have now known this man for 16 years. That's half my life!!!

...wish I had photoshop to fix up those pics :)

post secret

2008-04-22T11:52:00.000-07:00

A few years back I found post secrets. A blog dedicated to anonymous post cards that are mailed to the blog author. Some are sad, some are dirty, some break my heart, many times I pray for the anonymous person, but mostly I just remember where I've come from. And then I'm grateful for how far I've come, for healing and the wonderful life that I now have thanks to Jesus Christ!

I know that I have healed tremendously because certain types of secrets no longer trigger the pain I used to feel inside.

Today I saw this secret and laughed out loud:

It reminded me of a time back when Jon was using. He would frequent this one bar near our house. And by frequent, I mean there were jokes about us getting married there (oh how I laughed at those jokes *sarcasm*) Anyhow, I hated that place! I hated driving past it. I hated the mention of it. I knew some things that were going on there and am pretty sure worse than what I knew was happening.

Can you imagine my joy, my uncontainable laughter when IT CLOSED DOWN!!!!! AMEN!!!!

I could not have imagined, in my wildest dreams, such a wonderful answer to prayer.

Course, it didn't stop him from going out. But at least I no longer knew where he was! Yes, that is a good thing. Not knowing where he was forced me to stop some negative behaviours of my own, and I began to let go and trust God.

spring rain

2008-04-22T06:20:00.000-07:00

Today is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the snow almost all melted. I have been wearing sandals for a week (for those who don't know me - I hate socks & shoes!) My heart should be filled with joy at this beautiful day and all that is so wonderful in my life.

Why can I not stop crying? Failure, failure, failure, failure is running through my head. I can't keep up with the housework. I can't focus at work. There was no meat or fruit this morning for the kids lunches. My laundry is only half-finished (as usual) . There are phone calls I need to make. A birthday party to organize. I'm hosting a bible study tonight that I desperately want to cancel.

And then I hear the voice of my Lord, my Father whispering to me that I am His. He created me. He choose me. He loves me. Not for what I do, but simply for me. He is not disappointed in me - except when I sin, but even then His arms are open wide, waiting to forgive me.

No matter what the world may say about me, about my messy house, about my kids jam sandwiches, about my tear-streaked, rashy face..... MY FATHER LOVES ME!!!!

I don't need an earthly man to whisper these reassurances to me. My heavenly Father is right here with me, holding me and loving me every faltering step of the way. This rain in my heart will wash away all the dirt, all the sorrow, all the pain and bring flowers beyond my (or my husbands') imagination. I might not be perfect, but I am learning from all these lessons of life and I am grateful for the Father who is holding my hand to catch me when I fall.

Isaiah 43:1 ...this is what the Lord says - He who created you...He who formed you...I have redeemed you; fear not...I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

eyes wide open

2008-04-21T09:53:00.000-07:00

Jon spoke at a youth drop-in on Friday night. These kids were hard core, wrong-side-of-the-tracks like I've never seen before. Seriously.

Jon was nervous. Jon, who ran with the big boys delivering you-know-what for I-don't-want-to-know-who, nervous.

According to the volunteers there is only one other drop-in like this in Ottawa. This one has been running for 10 years. It's in a big church basement, painted dark colours with some graffiti, a black light, a couple off pool tables, fooz ball, couches all over, an xbox and some other stuff to do. rock music pumped through big speakers. I found out later it was all Christian music ...I'll say it again: Christian music SUCKED when I was growing up. This stuff rocked! I digress...

The purpose of this drop in is to give these kids a safe place to hang out. Jackets & bags are kept in a safe location. No one is allowed to be intoxicated on the premises and no profanity is permitted. The kids are pretty good at following the rules, but the staff don't really ride them too hard.

For the first hour & a half they just hang. Many going in & out thanks to the beautiful weather we have here now (my motherly instinct was dying to tell them to make up their minds "in or out!!!"). Then everyone was rounded up for 'discussion time', which is when Jon would share his testimony. I think there was close to 50 kids. They had been so riled up for the first hour & a half that I really didn't expect them to calm down and listen, but they did. Other than the pet rat being played with & passed around the kids were really attentive.

But then, Jon is a pretty good speaker. He has gotten a bit a practice now, giving his testimony, and he has a format down-pat. One day I'll get it on this site, but basically:

- his first three years, being abused and neglected by birth mother
- being adopted into a loving home, the next 9 years or so good, but Jon is always trying to be the centre of attention, first, never satisfied, never believing he is loved.
- the imprint of the abuse and neglect already on his heart that God doesn't love him, won't take care of him and that Jon has to take care of himself.
- entering his teen years, finding that alcohol/drugs numb the hurt and pain, give him courage
- the progression into addiction
- the loss of everything (job, wife, kids, cars) and entry into treatment
- being taught about God once again, that God loves him, the God can fill this void.
- the deliverance (great story!!! the kids soaked it in!!!)
- and his life now, how he found and keeps his joy

I know I'm missing stuff. He really did a great job of identifying with the kids in the audience and explaining his hurt and his pain. A couple of kids were crying, but most sat stone-faced.

Jon ends his testimony with his life verse*, Psalm 107:14. This time he read the whole passage:

10 Some sat in darkness and the deepest gloom,

prisoners suffering in iron chains,
11 for they had rebelled against the words of God

and despised the counsel of the Most High.
12 So he subjected them to bitter labor;

they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
13 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,

and he saved them from their distress.
14 He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom

and broke away their chains.
15 Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love

and his wonderful deeds for men,
16 for he breaks down gates of bronze

and cuts through bars of iron.

Then he emphasized that verse 14 is what happened to him. "God brought me out of darkness and the deepest gloom, and broke away my chains. Chains that had bound me my whole life."
He talked about how we all have chains, although maybe not drugs of alcohol, we have chains that bind us. We hurt, we are suffered, but those chains can be broken.

He invited anyone with chains they wanted broken to raise their hands and he would pray for them. I was shocked when over half the kids raised their hands.

Jon prayed and afterwards a kid came up to him and said that he identified with everything Jon had talked about. Said he couldn't stay but needed to talk to Jon, so Jon gave him his number.

That's all that matters is that one person whose life is touched.

Later Jon told me that for the first time in his life, he had felt a shocking spiritual interference while he was praying. He said it rocked him and he couldn't find his words and ended his prayer quicker than he would have liked. It was the first time he had ever experienced that.

Please continue to pray with us for the Breaking the Chains event: for protection over our family, the speaker, the band & the rest of the team. Most importantly please pray for all those who attend. That their spiritual eyes will be opened, that they will see that Jesus Christ heals all wounds.

Thanks.

*hence the name for our addiction awareness event coming up in less than two weeks "Breaking the Chains"

secrets

2008-04-16T07:41:00.000-07:00

My husband & I both grew up in church, but rebelled in high school. He entered a 6mth treatment program for drug and alcohol addiction when he was 32, which began a new journey in our lives, a journey through healing, into the place of joy and peace that we reside now in Christ. The first journey was long and painful journey filled with pain, lies, deceit, some of which I've written about here previously. To my point...I responded to a fantastic post this morning and wanted to capture that response here......

We have a saying in our house "Satan LOVES secrets". We have learned that secrets give more power to our personal struggles than deserved. The truth is that God is more powerful than anything we have/or will struggle with and He forgave our sins before we even committed them.
Last year sometime, I came to a point in my life where I realized that I was not forgiving myself for a particular sin. I had erased the memory of an abortion for so long that I don't even know when I had done it. When I committed my life back to Christ, the knowledge of the abortion became very real. It would come up in my head often and I would feel sorrow, guilt and shame. I had asked for forgiveness, believed God forgave me, but could not forgive myself.

I began, very occasionally, with close trusted friends to mention speak of the abortion and ask for prayer. Speaking it out loud, even those few rare times, lessened the enormity of the incident in my head. I cannot properly explain how.

When thoughts would come into my head of shame and guilt, I began to refuse them. I would speak (out loud if possible) thanks to Jesus for dying on the cross for my sins and I would thank Him for being great enough, sufficient enough to cover than sin.

I realized that by holding onto the guilt and shame I had been telling Jesus that His sacrifice was not enough. His suffering did not suffice. That I also needed to suffer for this sin.

That realization was freedom for me to leave it in His hands, to accept and move on in the fullness of His Grace. I still mourn the child and long to meet that baby in heaven, but the guilt and shame that haunted me are gone.

Although right now I believe God is calling me to support my husband in his work to raise awareness about addiction, I do believe that God will use my testimony also. In His time.

hope

2008-04-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

I've said it before, but I am reminded again how grateful I am that I wound up with an addict.

Today I am so grateful for the years of chaos, turmoil and insanity.
Because today I know joy. Real joy and this awesome thing called grace.

I saw Juno on Saturday evening. I probably should have been nervous to see it in the theatre. I mean, I knew what it was about and with my history, you'd think I'd have chosen to see it in the privacy of my home, if I had to see it at all. Bawling like a baby in public is generally not a preffered option.

I only cried at the end, when Juno's father says to her: "One day you'll be back, Juno, on your OWN terms". It amazes me how much I have healed so much over the past couple of years.

Dumb choices bring us to uncomfortable circumstances, but God can bring something wonderful out of those circumstances. In my case, an appreciation and an awareness that I may never have had otherwise.

If you are stuck in miserable circumstances, or suffering consequences of dumb choices, hold on to HOPE. God is in the business of miracles. I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't experienced it myself.

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings your glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Mercy Me, "Bring the Rain"

I heart

2008-04-04T05:42:00.000-07:00

It's not about what the rest of the world is doing wrong.

It's about what I am doing for Jesus.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

I lived my whole life in chaos and confusion. My childhood was difficult, then I rebelled against everything my parents had tried to teach me and spent the next 15 years with a man who became addicted to drugs and alcohol. Those first 30 years of my life were me-focused and very unhappy. I have known suffering. I have known pain. I have known rejection, deceit, abuse, lost dreams, emptiness, despair.

And then came the miracle. A life saved (my husband's, literally). Our marriage restored. Hope again. Cautiously, carefully, hoping. Never expecting what came next.

I found myself serving. Just serving sandwiches and soup to needy, suffering, lonely people. And I didn't even go for the right reasons, I went because my husband was working nights and it meant I could spend the evening with him.

It was through serving that I found myself loving. Found my heart so full of joy and my life full of happiness. Joy that I have never known. Happiness to the bottoms of my feet, the tips of my toes tingling. So much love, it scares me, makes me laugh out loud, makes me weep.

Yes, I heart. I heart for a broken world to know that this joy, this love, that is available, ready and waiting for them too.

I guess that's part of why I am so excited about our "Breaking the Chains" (click for more info) event in May. Although it's scary to be doing something so new and so out-of-character, it's a wonderful opportunity to speak love into kids lives.

theiheartrevolution is going to speak like wildfire....you can watch or you can be part of it!!!

feels like home

2008-04-03T06:17:00.000-07:00

My blog feels like home now. Thank you Yvonne for the beautiful blog skin!

I am so blessed to have Yvonne as a friend. We met in Winnipeg MB when I was 14 years old and were immediately the best of friends. We spent many Wednesday nights rollerskating and even more nights at Youth Groups and Come to the Cross. Her friendship became even more valuable to me when I found out my family would be moving to Ottawa. That was the most difficult time of my early years and Yvonne's friendship definitely helped me through it.

Over the years we kept in touch, I made it out to her wedding and she sang at mine. We talked on the phone, but mostly felt connected to her through her very entertaining blog.

I am now even more blessed that God saw fit to bring her and her family to Ottawa!!! I absolutely love them all to pieces and I look forward to the day that they feel at home in Ottawa.

what brightens your day?

2008-04-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

Brigitte said
"I want to know at least 5 things that brighten your day"

Here are Mine:

1- my 11 1/2 yr old boy asking me to cuddle with him when I tuck him in at night (I know it won't last forever)

2- a kiss from my hubby when he drops me off at work

3- talking a walk at lunch with a friend in the sunshine

4- a chance to sit on the couch and chat with my hubby in the evening (rare)

5- getting my work inbox below 50 before I leave for the day

What are yours?

not every day

2008-03-31T12:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow my son is appearing as a witness before the House of Commons Parliamentary Committee of Canadian Heritage, to respond to questions about violence on television.

Perhaps this would not excite most people, but around here....well, that's pretty cool! Plus, his class is working on their public speaking right now so it can't hurt to practice in front of a room full of strangers.

How many people can say they had the opportunity to be questioned by Federal Members of Parliament! My boy is shy though. I hope he doesn't freeze up.

Of course, what am I most thinking about....whatever will he wear?!!! It IS a televised committee, after all!

And if you feel like it, please tell me what you think about violence on television. too much? no big deal? does it affect our kids? am I mean because I don't allow my kids to watch grown-up shows and movies?

doh

2008-03-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

Last night it occured to me how rediculous my last post (what else can go wrong?) sounds when you read the one right before it (to remember Melly).

Maybe all this stuff is going wrong because God wants to remind me that I don't need any of this stuff. It's so easy to justify...I need my iPod cause I take the bus, and I get spiritual refreshment from listening to worship or a sermon....

seriously? what do I need? what do I actually need?

We have far more than we need. Everything that we have I criticize...the cars are old, falling apart...the house is small, no garage, needs a lot of work....the jobs are good, but geez, we really don't make that much...and on and on.

I think God is telling me to shut up. To quiet the voices in my head and learn to be content with what I have.

I have so much. I have beautiful children, an amazing husband and so many wonderful friends!!! I have an amazing job, with a great boss, lots of time off, flexible hours and awesome collegues. I have my own vehicle, bicycle and so many other fun things. I have clothes, books, a computer, music...the list just goes on. But do I know what is most important?

Do I know where I should be investing my time and energy? Am I truly grateful for the awesome miracle of my family being whole? Have I forgotten how close we came to losing Jon? Do I remember what it felt like the day I realized in my heart that he was on a path to death? The day I had to let him go.

Our Easter weekend was filled with so much joy and love. How could I post such a melancoly entry? What do I focus on the negative, instead of all the good? I'm starting to realize that in the midst of all the awesomeness, doubt creeps in in mysterious ways. And it's my job to stop it.

what else can go wrong?

2008-03-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

Between losing my wallet, the iPod hit & run, the iPod/CD kidnapping, having to work during March break and all the regular stuff we have going on....I'm emotionally exhausted.

Ah yes, and on Sunday night I accidentally deleted my entire schedule off my phone. If you know me at all, you know that my entire family runs off that schedule. I won't agree to anything without checking that schedule.

Oh, and our washing machine quit on us Sunday.

I don't have time to do laundry at our house. Where will I find time to go do laundry somewhere else?

I know that I am not in control. I thought I had really 'gotten' that lesson. I guess I needed a reminder.

5 weeks until the event. This thing is only going to happen if God wants it to happen. I'm so glad the event doesn't need me cause everything I touch falls to pieces.

to remember Melly

2008-03-20T08:02:00.000-07:00

I saw "Melly" outside having a smoke as I walked into the coffee house last night. She looked beautiful. hippie. exquisite. I said hello to the people I know but I always have trouble saying hi to new people.

I got JR set up serving sandwiches and then started making the rounds of hellos and hugs for all my friends. I enjoy listening to their stories & troubles, now that I understand all they need is a sympathetic ear, a smile and a hug.

Melly came in and a worker unlocked a closet for her where she had obviously earlier stored some bags and a suitcase. She started sorting on the stairs and I eventually had the courage to go ask her if she needed another bag. She said she was alright, she just needed to sort thru the stuff and figure out what would fit her. She didnt want to take more than she needed. but they had found a place to stay and she needed some clothes.

It was then that I looked at her little sneakers, dirty and soaking wet. The layers of mis-matched clothes, and looked into her eyes, past the wide pupils into pools of fear and despair. There was no pants her size. The filthy jeans she was wearing were cool, probably pretty expensive once upon a time, a little hippie flare with strips of colour sewn in...and she had this gorgeous scarf tied around her waist.

Homeless. dirty. and yet she had more style than I ever will.

I sat down beside her to help her sort the clothes and she spilled her brokenness all over me.

Clean from heroin 3 months, she says, proud that she did it herself without methodone. She escaped from an abusive marriage but lost her 3 kids (3 kids??!!! she looks so young!!!)

She feels so lucky that she found this new boyfriend. she doesnt have to sell herself for drugs anymore. he sells the crack to support their habit. she does want to get off the crack, she says in the passionate way people talk in the throes of a high.

My heart is broken for this beautiful woman. a mother. someone's daughter. maybe someone's sister. she is so lovely, so grateful, so passionate, someone must love her. someone must miss her. wonder how she is doing. pray nightly for her safe return.

I have nothing to offer her, no advice. I have no idea how I escaped addiction myself. why did I choose to stop partying, stop using, while Jon's partying and using escalated to the full throes of addiction?

All I could do was hug her and pray with her. and as I prayed she wept on my shoulder. she wept, heaving, sobbing. I told her of the miracles I have seen. prayed that she would find her way.

she sang Amazing Grace with us. we always sing Amazing Grace when coffee house is over. with one arm around me and one arm around her crack dealing boyfriend she sang with all her might, in a voice full of hope. then thanked us all for being there. "This is the way to do church"

she wanted to give me her phone number but she doesnt have a home. she promised to call jericho tomorrow for food and dry shoes. she thanked me for being her friend and said she hoped one day she could trick her boyfriend into thinking they were going to pick up crack, but could maybe meet us to go to a movie instead.

a movie? I suppose that's what hope brings...the promise of one day watching a movie again.

friends

2008-03-09T19:00:00.000-07:00

I found an envelope from a friend in my mailbox on Friday. Seems my friend had decided she 'needed' a new iPod and would give me her old one.

I feel so totally blessed!!! Her iPod was exactly the same as the one I had and I guarantee you, she did NOT need a new one.

I have great friends, but that was a little much!!

iSad

2008-03-05T12:03:00.000-08:00

27 months ago I won an iPod. It was a very very exciting day for me, as I knew I would never spend that kind of money on such a thing for myself.

I have loved my iPod dearly.

I love the smooth dial, the shiny chrome, the vast song selection available to me as I travel on the bus (oh cursed bus!).

I love iTunes. I love podcasts.

I bought myself a beautiful pink leather case for my iPod and finally a couple of months ago found some earphones that didn't hurt my ears.

My iPod was loaded with my favorite worship music and teachings from my favorite pastors. I listened and learned for hours each week. On the bus, while grocery shopping, while cleaning, when home alone.

But that has all come to a violent and tragic end. Last night I ran for the bus across a slushy, slippery street just in time for that blinking hand to turn solid and the oncoming traffic to press forward. The most horrible thing happened: my iPod fell out of my pocket right in the middle of the street!!! There was no time time to go back for it.

The smooth pink leather begged for mercy. The glistening white earphones snaked towards me crying out for rescue. But I was helpless to do anything.

Not that I didn't think about stopping the traffic. Oh believe me, I almost ran out there ...so did the lady beside me on the side of the road. She must have once owned an iPod, I could tell she felt my pain as we watched helplessly.

The traffic came, all three lanes of it. Bus after bus passed over it. I simultaneously prayed and screamed (in my head, of course) that those buses would not crush beloved iPod. But it was not to be. I don't understand why, but iPod's time had come.

Apparently all it takes is a few buses to destroy a nano

and my birthday isn't until August :(

Alvin Powell

2008-02-27T10:27:00.000-08:00

Months and months ago, Jon started talking about an event he wanted to put together for youth. Now to be honest, I kinda brushed it off. I used to call him a dreamer, cause he always had a new idea & if I waited he would forget about it. But this was different.

His vision was to put on an event to raise awareness among youth about addiction. Once he saw Alvin Powell speak at a local high school and captivate 1500 students for 90mins...well, he knew Alvin was the man to speak at the event.

Alvin came into our lives at a time when I was desperately searching for something, anything that would reach my husband. I knew I was losing him to drugs and alcohol. I came across a 2-page spread in the Ottawa Citizen (similar to this one) about Alvin, his struggle, his recovery and the work he is now doing with Saving Station Foundation speaking at local high schools.

I was shocked when the man who answered the phone asked for my number and told me Alvin would call me. And I was even more shocked when Alvin called and asked if Jon & I would meet with him.

The discussion with Alvin didn't have the sobering impact on Jon that I had hoped it would. His binging continued to accelerate and he rolled a car shortly after.

But Alvin called me a few months later to ask how we were doing and his words had a tremendous impact on me. Two weeks after he called, I packed up our house and left Jon for good (so I thought).

Jon had been coming to the end of his run and a few months later, checked himself into treatment. I didn't have much hope left, but couldn't ignore the reality of the changes I was seeing in him. Once he was well into his recovery, and our family had been restored, Jon & I contacted Alvin to thank him.

It's hard to explain how I can feel so close to someone I have only met a few times, but I will always call Alvin a friend. I am so grateful for the time he gave to us - strangers. For that meeting, sharing his heart, his story, and for following the prompting to call me and check up on me so many months later.

I'm proud of my husband for following through on his vision for an event in this city. Alvin has spoken at a few high schools in our city, but so many more people need to hear his story, in the compelling way only he can tell it.

And I am so grateful to Alvin for agreeing to come. If you're reading this and you live in Ottawa, you should really come ..he's pretty awesome to listen to!

Breaking the Chains is a free event. I've created another blog with the event details HERE

I just wish I could figure out how to upload our professionally designed posters and rave cards

Quirks

2008-02-18T07:39:00.000-08:00

I've been tagged..
Here's the game:

Write 6 quirky things about yourself.

1. I don't like my face being touched, even by my own hair. Pinch my nose and I'm likely to sock you.

2. My feet are claustrophobic. I HATE SOCKS & would go without shoes if I could

3. I absolutely LOVE being tickled!!!

4. I eat foods carefully so they don't touch my lips...ice cream, fruit & pizza are trickiest

5. I never wear any makeup. EVER.

6. I buy expensive toothbrushes and brush my teeth a lot. A LOT.

(Margie you're the only person that reads my blog who hasnt already been tagged.... consider yourselves TAGGED!)

all that messy wiring

2008-02-07T06:40:00.000-08:00

The photo to your right is an illustration of how I feel inside. Some of those wires are completely useless, just taking up space and causing some short-circuits. Some of those wires are necessary and healthy, but they are less efficient due to all the clutter.

Time to clean up the clutter.

I've really noticed lately how some of my reactions to certain circumstances are out of line.

I believe that frequently the actual events are not the trigger for my reactions but that my reactions are based on internal messaging or "tapes" that play in my head. If I can figure out where the tapes come from and why, maybe I can re-program them.

Sounds like a lot of digging is to be done.

walls

2008-02-05T12:07:00.000-08:00

Lately I am constantly reminded of how screwed up my thinking is. Lovely eh?

I've realised that I still have pretty big walls when it comes to getting to know people. I don't want to ask any personal questions because I don't want to be seen as prying. But really, I think I don't ask personal questions, because for so long I was terrified of anyone asking me personal questions. I mean, what on earth would I tell them? certainly NOT the truth.

These big walls of protection that I built around myself come down occasionally. Unfortunately, then I think I come on too strong. Seriously, can I not find some kind of happy medium?

praying for a sinkhole

2008-02-04T11:33:00.000-08:00

A 330-foot-deep sinkhole opened in the middle of Guatemala City. Officials said the hole was caused by faulty sewer piping and recent rains. It swallowed several houses, cars and two people were killed GULP!!!

Now, from my limited research, apparently that has never happened here in North America. But that didn't stop me from praying for one when my debit card was declined at the grocery store this weekend.

Dear Britney

2008-02-02T08:54:00.000-08:00

Despite my best efforts to ignore Hollywood drama, even I can't help but know that Britney Spears' life has taken a horrendous turn for the worse. What amazes me the most is that society still can't leave her alone.

Yes, it is absolutely horrible that this beautiful, talented and obviously intelligent (how else did she get so far, so fast to begin with) young women has lost control of herself and been admitted to a psych ward.

But all I can feel is sorrow and shame. Who loves her enough to be there for her? Who really cares about her? Is anyone holding her hand? Does she have a shoulder to cry on? and is anyone praying for her? I mean, really passionately praying for her?

Britney's father now has temporary legal control over her. Nov 2005 I had temporary legal control over Jon.

You didn't hear about that on CNN, did you?

thank goodness because it was the worst year of my life.

When your life spins out of control, pain becomes so huge it swallows everything else. Imagine your pain posted on every news channel, radio and all over the web? Think of the deepest, darkness time of your life. Now picture facing those days with cameras in your face.

I know the only reason we made it through was because we had family and friends around who loved us and never stopped praying for us.

Dear Britney, you can get through this. You're strong. I pray that somehow, in the midst of all your pain and sorrow, you will hear the still but strong voice of your creator, telling you that He loves you. I pray that you will know who your true friends are. That the people around you who truly care about you will rise up and protect you from yourself and the outside world that wants to see you destroy yourself, so they can sell more papers. I pray that you will know that you are loved. That you can get through this. That hope and joy are within your grasp.

You didn't see it on the news, but believe me...if Jon Ruby can recover, so can you.

Auntie Vikki

2008-01-31T10:49:00.000-08:00

I'm probably not allowed to publicly announce this yet, but I am going to be an Aunt!!!

Not "Auntie Vikki" like to all my good friends kids (although I love that they call me that!)

Not just Aunt in name to nieces and a nephew that have no idea who I am.

But Aunt to the sweet baby of my eldest younger brother, a man I dearly love and respect. A man who chose a kind, loving and beautiful woman to be his wife. How blessed I am to have her in my family, that sweet sister-in-law.

They are going to be wonderful parents. I know it. And I am very excited for them. But I am almost more excited for myself....is that wrong?

I love being a mother. I love my son and my step-son with all my heart and soul. But after many long years of difficult choices and struggles, I've moved into a new phase of my life. Being an Aunt feels like part of that natural progression.

I can't wait to spoil and coddle the baby. But I also look forward to the opportunity to emotionally support my brother and his wife, in much the same way as various people supported me.

Congrats, you guys....and thanks for moving close!

2008-01-27T18:23:00.000-08:00

I'm not a very good blogger :(

but I made some really yummy banana bread today :)

some extra special things this week

2007-12-21T20:33:00.000-08:00

First, after spending the day at my son's school on Tuesday, it was reported back to me by my husband who heard from my son, that the girls in the class apparently told my son that his mom (that's me :) is so beautiful, they want to be just like her when they grow up! Now keep in mind this is not an exact quote, but it's what was told to me. 11yr old girls told my son that I am beautiful *blush*. Yeah, that one could take me right through to the year after next. but that's not all......

Last night I was blessed to take care of the children of some very special friends so they could go for an anniversary dinner. Their two sweet girls are a real joy to me (remember, I am surrounded by boys) but they also have a sweet 6 week old (new) baby. What an honour to be asked to babysit such a wee one! And to top it off, my friend offered me two pairs of jeans as I left! I needed jeans and these fit beautifully!!!

The last extra-special thing happened today. I wore my new jeans shopping today. It was a very full day of shopping. You'd think Christmas shopping would be easy with a small budget, but I want to spend the money on just the right things, so I shopped and shopped, bought & returned, hemmed and hawed. I was cranky and frustrated but determined. At 8:30pm this evening, me & Toys 'R us were NOT getting along....that is until I met the cashier of my dreams. I'm telling you, this girl was amazing! She asked if I wanted a gift card or gift receipt with my purchase and I smiled through my frustration and said "no thanks, I could use some gift ideas though". Her face lit up. Boy or girl? What age? and off she went with this list of cool toys for 9 yr old boys. Turns out she saw this toy that has been sold out for weeks was just returned earlier that evening. She closed down her cash and came to help me search through the 5 carts of returned items to find it, then re-opened her cash and I didn't have to wait in line again!!! It's an awesome gift that lil Ray-Ray is going to love!!! I seriously wanted to give this girl a hug! She might've thought that would be weird so instead I gave her a big smile and told her she made my day. I hope Santa brings her an extra special gift :)

MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

holiday stress

2007-12-18T05:08:00.000-08:00

As previously mentioned, the holiday season stresses me out. This year though, I have really recognized that I have control over that. It's been much easier to cope. I'm definitely still having my cranky days, but they are far fewer than previous years.

I'm trying to focus on stopping the negative talk in my head. The worry and fear about not having enough money to get everyone some small gift...I've been just trying to focus on 'turning off' the thoughts. It's kinda strange, but I tell myself in my head "nope, I will not think like this. I will not give in to the fear". And it seems to kinda be working.

I was cranky Sunday & yesterday. It's hard on my family when I'm 'in a mood'. So yesterday morning I told myself that I only had until the end of the day to be cranky (I had to work all evening so it wouldn't affect my family anyway). This morning I woke up refreshed, chipper and happy. How amazing!

Course as long as I don't look at the list of bills that has to be paid, or think about the people I'd still love to bless with a Christmas gift, I'll be alright.

Is there anyone reading my blog struggling with the same thing?

from a blogger-friend Margie .....

Hope. Hope in Christ. Merry Christmas! A savior is born. that's how quick God can pull me out of the pit, remind me what He's is. He's a million things, in Isaiah 9
1 Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress...
6 For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
Wonderful Counselor, [b] Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

grrrrrrrrrrrrr

2007-12-16T19:46:00.000-08:00

Today we had a big storm and I will blame my foul mood on the storm.

But, truth be told, 'holiday season' is long and very stressful to me.

I find myself wanting to 'go back to Egypt' and hide in my river of denial. Old habits die hard.

2007-12-02T16:08:00.000-08:00

Today we attended the dedication of a discipleship house named in memory of Steve Flint, our friend who died from an overdose this summer. The discipleship house was something they had talked and dreamed about before Steve passed away. I'm so proud of Dan, Pastor of North Gate Ministries for following through on this prompting.

The home is old, but has been lovingly cleaned and repaired. Donations have been coming in and three young women are ready to move in as the first disciples.

It's exciting, but as I stood there in that house, I cried and cried. Steve should have been there, but he wasn't. How amazing though that four other men, who so easily could have gone the same way as Steve, were standing there. I don't understand why God chose to take Steve. I will never understand why it was his time. But I am so grateful that it wasn't Jon - and how horrible does that make me feel?!

I am grateful that my afflictions aren't life-threatening, just emotionally debilitating (if I let them be).

cravings

2007-11-28T12:25:00.000-08:00

Lately I find myself wanting, craving more opportunities to spend time with other people who have been broken and learned how to pick up the pieces. There's just something about having been broken ...having spent time in the depths of despair and found Jesus there. Finding comfort and joy and peace in the arms of a saviour.

Having reached that point of no return, when you know you'll never go back to the same old, same old. I got a taste of Him, a touch from Him and found the place where He resides and I realized, it wasn't the end of an old life, it was the beginning of something HUGE and beautiful and I want more....I want it all!

If I could quit my job and spend my days just talking to broken people and loving them... I know I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm focused now on how do I live this out, every day, in all parts of my life? I long for more hours in a day, so I can spend more time with people, listening to their pain and hoping that maybe, just maybe, something I went through might give them hope for their own future.

It's not enough just to tell people they need to go to church. It's not enough to just go to church. I long to love so deep and true that everyone will be drawn to the warmth and truth that is Jesus. But I'm messy, talk to much, trip over my words and I don't have 'the verses' to share. And so I do what I can do, and talk to those who cross my path and pray that in their own way, in their own time, they will see that Jesus died for them also. That we are all broken, to some extend, and that he longs to fill the emptiness with His love.

I'm excited about this adventure called life and what the future holds. Forward motion, pressing through the fear (oh yeah, I got BIG fear!) and crossing into foreign territory. This place where I don't have all the answers, but live on faith and trusting that He will provide.

I'm excited about all these people that I'm meeting who come from such hard, horrible and scary backgrounds. And I'm excited for their willingness to step out beyond the familiar in the hope of getting to touch just a piece of what he has to offer. I'm excited cause I know that if we reach out in faith, he is going to reward us with so much more than we expected!

I love hearing what God is doing is people's lives, the little lessons he is teaching. I'm so grateful for all the opportunities that I have to connect with everyone, Sunday morning, Sunday evening, "Acts Tuesday", the Jericho Coffee House on Wednesdays, the little group that has started meeting in my office Wednesday mornings.

If God has been showing you something, or doing something awesome....please leave a comment. I love to hear about it!!!

2007-11-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

Last year I had a 'Cookie exchange' for the women of our church to get together, hang out, eat cookies and bring cookies to share and bless each other and our families.

I was planning on doing the same thing this year, but something was holding me back from the planning. I thought is was because of the auctions (Jon's work last week, Jordan's hockey team last night) and all the planning and work (which turned out to be just in my head) that was involved in those.

This morning at church I spoke with a woman who's been coming a few weeks now. She's brought more friends in those few weeks than I have in the past year! I asked her if she was single-handedly planning on inviting all of Ottawa, she said she feels so welcome and accepted at our church, that yes, she would invite anyone. Man, I love to hear that!

I mentioned I would like to have a get-together for the women of the church sometime before Christmas. She told me about an event happening right in our church building (the Bronson Centre) being hosted by the Elizabeth Fry Society for the women where she lives, but open to the public.

How much more sense does it make for the women of our church to get together and share our love, our hope and our baking with these women? I know in my heart this is what I am supposed to organize.

over and done and ready for next year

2007-11-13T18:44:00.000-08:00

WOW! The Jericho Road Dinner & Auction was the most amazing event I have been at all year! All my worry was for nothing (of course). I worked hard (lots of us did), but really not as hard as I expected. The hall was beautiful!!! The speeches were awesome, dinner was amazing, and the auction items were unbelievable!!!!!

I definitely think God moved in the hearts of many people there. I know all the Jericho staff that I talked to were blessed to have that room full of so many wonderful people supporting the organization.

I can't wait til next year!

deep breaths

2007-11-06T17:25:00.000-08:00

tonight I can barely breathe and I think I just need to stop thinking. I can get through this week, I will not fail, I will not drown, and I will NOT EVER VOLUNTEER FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN

I love Jericho, everyone there, the staff, the residents, but I am in WAY over my head with this fund raiser auction thing. Funny thing is, I think I'm the only one with any expectations of me. This thing would happen with or without me, so what am I all worked up about? Who do I think I am anyway?

those little things

2007-11-01T19:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we have an opportunity to make a huge difference in someone's life, to spread a bit of joy, to show them love. Some things seem big, some things seem small, but any moment that we take to think of someone else, other than ourselves, I believe is an important moment.

Like the minute that it took for an NHL player to stop and hand his stick to two little boys.

I think an NHL Player knows how happy those boys will be. Just like any pro athlete knows how much people love to get an autograph or a signature.

But do I know how happy I can make someone? How little it can take to put a smile on someone's face?

so much busy

2007-10-21T16:43:00.000-07:00

I love my life, but man, it's busy! and I don't think I'm good for all this 'busy'.

I'm dreading the week ahead as a whole, but looking forward to each event individually....

Monday - JR has a hockey game in Embrum

Tuesday - We actually have nothing on the calendar, but I have to create display boards for a volunteer thing I committed to on the weekend and Jon will head to a bible study.

Wednesday - JR has another game, but Ray-Ray & I will skip it to head to Hill-o-ween, trick-or-treating at my work, lots of yummy candy mm-mm-mm!! There we will head over to the coffee house to serve sandwiches.

Thursday is the Harvest Moon Festival at the boys school, dinner, fun & games. A real blast!

Friday - JR has a practice. I think I'll skip it cause I have to make sure I'm ready for Sat night

Saturday morning JR has another practice (that I'll skip). We'll all head to Ray-Ray's hockey game at 3pm. Afterwards Jon & I head over to ScotiaBank Place for The Gathering. I'm super-excited about this, it should be amazing!!!

...I feel like I'm forgetting something....oh yeah, I have a full-time job and the kids have homework every night! I always said I would never be one of those overscheduling-their-kids type of parents. How did this happen?

I am so grateful to have Jon home to do most of the hockey now!!!

so much love

2007-10-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

Our home & our lives are so full, so happy, I still shake my head.

Life with Jon home each and every day is wonderful. It's been an adjustment, of course. He's tired. When he worked nights he slept there all night, but also had time even with his busy day schedule to nap a couple days a week. He's also experiencing daily family life for the very first time. Going to work all day, rushing home to take one of the boys to hockey, making sure homework is done, all that fun stuff. We're still blessed to have Jon's parents - we didn't have to cook once this week! We won't continue that all the time, but in this transition period it's a blessing.

He's had to completely change his commitments. There was 9 - 9!!!! - meetings, bible studies, mentoring-type things that he was doing in a work-week. They just don't fit now with a day job. I know he looks forward to settling into this new pattern of life, and making new meeting and bible study commitments.

I wanted my husband sober, I never dreamed he would one day be telling people "Sorry, all I can commit to right now is my family".

************
This gave me a chuckle last night....

We took a friends 7yr old daughter to JR's hockey game last night. She was so adorable, it was her first live game :)

Jon was wearing a big wooden cross. She grabbed it and almost indignantly asked him why he was wearing that. He said "uh..." she then proceeded to tell him the gospel!!!! It was hysterical! "Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins you know, so that we can go to heaven!" He said "I know, that's why I wear it". She let out a big, relieved sign and gave him an enormous hug. It was the most adorable thing!!!!

Congratulations baby!

2007-10-01T12:58:00.000-07:00

I knew I saw something worth holding onto in that rebel-preachers-kid *grin*

Jon celebrated his first full year of sobriety last night. It was an amazing celebration with amazing speakers, a room full of friends and a lotta love.

His AA medallion says "Rollin' with Jesus Aug 1 2006". How awesome is that?!!!

I only cried when he told everyone that he was wearing a sweatshirt from Steve Flint.

After 9 months of nights, which meant we didn't see him from Monday morning til Friday evening, today is Jon's first day on day shift. He's supervising a new house and I think he's going to love it!

If this is year 1....what's down the road???!!!

when boy meets stick

2007-09-27T13:21:00.000-07:00

Fortunately I have a friend who is a nurse at the walk-in clinic and we were in & out in no time. Personally, I'm surprised this is the worst he's suffered from the business end of a hockey stick

Honoured

2007-09-21T15:27:00.000-07:00

The official photo has arrived and I have to admit, I'm honoured. It's not every day that a nobody like me gets to pose for a picture with the leader of the country.

I am so appreciative of the replies to my previous post. On an average day, I love my job and am conscious that I am there for a reason, that God has a purpose for me where I am. I think going from 24 Sussex to an old church basement with crack addicts and prostitutes was a bit of culture-shock for one day.